Dear Agent Awesomesauce:

Spiking a guy through the skull isn’t sixteen-year-old Summer Chance’s idea of the perfect party trick, but it is the best way to exorcise a Stage One Possession—and join the Demon Guard Academy . The archaic Academy and its snobby students symbolize everything Summer despises about her world, a place where a genetic quirk—immunity to demon essence—makes you superior to other humans. But somewhere inside those forbidding walls is the key to curing her mother’s mysterious illness, and Summer will sacrifice anything to nab it.

Summer’s plan is simple: get the answers and get the hell out. Oh, and maybe bring down a few enemies—like the girls who trashed her reputation—along the way. Unfortunately, brains in lockers, a brewing power struggle, and her growing connection to an unstable ex complicate the search. And then there’s the teensy matter of a sinister plot involving Stage Three demons. Summer’s mom may be next in line for a monster make-over, and that’s one rescue she can’t tackle alone. But she must choose alliances wisely. In her world, trusting the wrong person can trigger a disaster of hellish proportions, for Summer, her mom, and the entire human race.

Believe it or not, I actually had a pretty decent request rate on this sucker.  Of course, my lovely agent never even read it. 

*ponders the meaning of this fact*
*gives up and eats a cookie*

RHYMING QUERY?

It’s sparkly! It’s shiny! It’s pure genius! One look at this bad boy, and I bet my request rate would have skyrocketed to, like, 252%! Or maybe even higher!

Drumroll, please….

Check out my 90k words
on Demon Guard school
C’mon, say it with me
DEMON STORIES RULE!

Yes, demons are in my novel
Ex-boyfriends and meanies galore
My MC gets super darn pissed
When they call her a big fat whore boar.

Her mom is in a coma
And that is just the pits
Her mom is in a coma
It’s enough to give anyone the shits fits

So Contact me! Contact me!
When you’re ready (OR EVEN NOW!)
Cuz we both know what you’re thinking
This query’s made of WOW!

Well, what are you WAITING FOR? Go write a shiny new rhyming query of your own, and WOW agents everywhere!** You know you want to!

**DISCLAIMER: Intended for mature audiences only. The writer of this blog is not responsible for any amount of agent mocking, snickering, anger, or blacklisting incurred as a result of using the RHYMING QUERY system. All blame should be placed at T.H. Mafi’s bloggy door.

Of course, if you know me at all, you’re not buying that for a second.

All right, fine, I’ll ‘fess up. I mean, querying blunders–everyone makes them. We’ve all heard the story about the overeager writer who called the agent’s office for a status check on his query(cringe!) or sent a package of live hamsters to go along with that cute hamster picture book she was pitching (Okay, I might have made that one up—but I wouldn’t be surprised if it had happened. Because, you know, nothing says represent my book like a box of dead rodents).

Seriously, though—if you’ve made a querying/writing oopsie, you’re not alone. And to prove it, I’m gonna share some of my more special moments with you.

1) I might have cold-emailed this author my first chapter and asked for her input. No, I’m not making this up. In my defense—at the time, I had no idea such behavior was frowned upon. I’d just read about her on an agent’s blog and thought she sounded really cool. And the author, lovely lady that she was, actually responded with a crit! Unbelievable, really, how awesomely supportive so many fellow writers are. Of course, when I sent her ten thousand follow-up questions, she ran far, far away, but that’s another story.

2) I might have sent a different writer I read about on the same blog my query letter to critique. Again, I didn’t know her, and again, she totally responded. I’m thinking maybe she suspected I needed medical help.

3) I sent out about 15 queries for my first manuscript without having any other writers read it. Just a few friends and my mom—yep, I’m *that* girl. On the plus side, I did not mention that my mom liked it in the query letter. But that’s probably just because I didn’t think about it.

4) When I got two full requests from those queries, I did not attach a title page. I suppose it could have been worse—I could have sent that box of hamsters.

5) I decorated my query letter envelope with puffy paints and stickers, and enclosed a photo of myself. Yeah, okay—I totally made that part up. But I bet *somebody* did it!