Dear Meaningful Beauty:

I regret having to inform you that your beauty products suck.  After slathering on copious amounts of your face creams and washes for a month, I look nothing more like Cindy Crawford than I did before I started.  In fact, I’m reasonably certain had I poured said products on my buttocks, I would be just as close to resembling an aging yet suspiciously youthful-looking ex-supermodel.

I do, however, look exactly like someone who has drowned her delicate facial skin in products most likely made from fish urine and whatever other crap that Frenchman on your infomercial threw in while partying it up on a tropical island locale.  In retrospect, I should be grateful my skin is merely flaking off rather than being eaten alive by some random strain of flounder-pee loving bacteria.

Also, whatever gave you the impression that after paying $29.95 for a one month supply, I would then gladly fork over the bend-me-over-the-beauty-counter price of $109.95 for the second month’s supply?  Was it when I shouted “No!” when your phone salesperson asked if I would like to sign up for another month?  Or perhaps when I screamed, “I ONLY WANT ONE MONTH AT $29.95 AND THAT’S ALL–DON’T SIGN ME UP FOR ANY MORE!” after listening to the same salesgirl blather on in an attempt to peddle all sorts of other meaningless Meaningful Beauty paraphernalia.  By the way, I fail to see how a Meaningful Beauty bumper sticker is going to bring me that much closer to cloning Cindy’s pouty lips.  And perhaps if your products made me look even one iota more like Cindy Crawford than my dog I would happily cough up the extra COMPLETELY UNAUTHORIZED charges:

Hey Cindy?  Don’t you make enough money on your husband’s overpriced and under-poured Sky Bar drinks?  Must you pimp yourself like some Flavor Flav wannabe ho while batting your doe-like eyes and robbing Lancome and L’oreal of their hard-earned market shares?  Why don’t you just do us all a favor and start selling your plastic surgeon’s business cards?  Because I’d sooner believe your youthful, amazingly unwrinkled skin comes from ingesting the pus off a boil-infested toad than from the daily use of Meaningful Beauty’s skin-kill products.

And tell me, what’s with the name?  Did you steal it straight from Engrish?  I mean, who the heck wants ”Meaningful” Beauty, anyway?  In the future, I will happily stick with my Shallow and Vacuous beauty products, thank you very much, since they seem to actually work and don’t cost the same amount as a small home in Oklahoma.

In case of any lingering confusion, no, I do not wish to purchase another month’s supply of Meaningful Beauty.  And Cindy Crawford owes me $109.95.  The deceitful wench.

Warmest regards,

Debra