Okay, so I’m the first to admit it—I *enjoyed* the Twilight series. I did. In fact, I sucked those babies down faster than a shop vac sucks down your kid’s favorite toy (Seriously, have you used one of those things before? I thought it was going to take my arm). And, if I had a teenage daughter, I would totally let her read them. But, only after she read a letter first. One that went something like this.

Dear Daughter:

I have every faith that I raised you to be a strong, independent thinker with a sensible head on your shoulders. But sometimes, reading about sparkly, bronze-haired vamps named Edward Cullen can screw with the best of us. They tend to melt our brains into a smooshy, non-think-y type substance, and sadly, smooshy brains and teenagers don’t mix. Really, there are many lessons to be learned from these novels, if we just approach them the right way. So before you embark on this momentous journey known as Sparkly Vamps are Da Bomb aka Twilight, I’ve made you a little list of things to consider when dealing with boys. We’ll call it How Not to Pull a Bella Swan.

I know he wants to eat me, but oohhh...shiny!

I know he wants to eat me, but oohhh...shiny!

1) Under no circumstances can a dude “sleep over” in your room—I don’t care if he’s 15 or 150. Besides, old guys have to get up to pee a lot—not conducive to quality snoozing.

2) If a guy tells you he’s spied on you repeatedly while you sleep, you MUST. TELL. ME. AT. ONCE. And we WILL. CALL. THE. COPS. Sleep spying = bad, and they’ve got laws against that kind of pervy-ness. P.S. Don’t let the guy off the hook if he claims to be a vampire. Please. That’s actually extra bad, bc then he’s probably wondering if you’ll go best with a Sam Adams or a nice Chianti.

3) It’s okay to be depressed following a breakup, but do not, under any circumstances, collapse in the woods, curl into the fetal position, and wait for hypothermia and/or rabid squirrels to tear into your wilted body. Also, acting like you’re the sole survivor of a nuclear attack for 6 months? Not gonna fly. Seriously, kid, didn’t I raise you to know you don’t need a dude to be happy? You’re killing me.

4) If you crash your motorcycle—or any other motorized vehicle that can kill you in a heartbeat—just to get in touch with your ex’s voice, I’m taking you on a little trip to a padded cell. Just sayin’.

5) If a guy tells you yours is the only mind he can’t read, tell him, OMG! You can read everyone else’s mind, too, but not his! That’ll teach him to use such a pathetic pick-up line. I mean, seriously, what happened to the classics, like “those pants would look great on my floor?”

6) Avoid guys who never ever eat like the plague. They’re probably crackheads, and at the very least, they’ll make you feel weird on dinner dates.

7) If a guy sparkles in the sunlight, it probably means he’s wearing body glitter. Watch closely to make sure he’s not checking out other dudes. And, not that I’m dying for you to jump into the sack in high school, but combine the glitter with a complete lack of interest in getting past first base, and seriously—there’s a 95.89435% chance he’s toting a big ol’ torch for Zac Efron.

Mr. Sparkles-A-Lot

Mr. Sparkles-A-Lot

8) There is never, under any circumstances, a time when it’s okay to go out-of-state without my knowledge. Ever. I will ground you until your liver is too old to process alcohol and your uterus too old to process children.

9) If a guy tells you you’re his brand of heroin, he’s either a) a heroin addict b) a nutter c) both. Run. Very fast.

10) For God’s sake, don’t go to prom planning on asking your date to kill you. I’ll have to lock you in your room until summer break starts—once the anti-psychotics have a chance to kick in. Besides, I paid a fortune for that prom dress, kid. If you bloody it all up, I’ll be tempted to kill you myself.

11) And a bonus one in case you watch the movie. Don’t blink all the time. People will think you’re trying to keep those crusty eye snots from gluing your eyelashes together.

So, see?? With a little creativity, anything can be a teaching experience. Feel free to leave any additions to my letter in the comments! Oh, and just because I’m beyond random:

Hound dog, you're my brand of heroin

Hound dog, you're my brand of heroin

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