Moms behaving badly….

Posted by houndrat on Monday Aug 11, 2008 Under Uncategorized

This past Sunday,? ten moms plus one? taken woman? booked a? suite at the Marriott in downtown San Diego, used that as home base, then went out on the town for a night of drunken debauchery and badness.? Okay, so maybe there wasn’t much debauchery, but there was plenty of badness in the form of our alcohol-infused stumbling gyrations on the dance floor.? Although I suppose posing as a bachelorette party in hopes of no cover charges and the accompanying must-have plastic penis straw might count as semi-debauched.?

And if someone could please tell me when the current fashion turned to skin-tight dresses cut down to the navel and up to the bikini line, I’d be mighty obliged.? Nina and Michael definitely would not approve.

Or maybe I’m just getting old.? Unfortunately, not quite old enough to ditch the penis straw.

At any rate, here are a few random shots from the night:

“Well what d’ya know, there’s a penis in my purse!”

“Hey, get your own penis!”

The poor? girl seated behind us was obviously jilted at the altar.

Another bar, another bachelorette.

“Do I know you?”

“Don’t bother me–I’m boogeying.”

“Doin’ da butt!”

“No wonder my neck hurts!”

? “Sooners!”

Random cleavage shot.

“Hey look–no hands!”

“Hey look–no twins!”

“I use L’oreal–and I’m worth it.”

The aftermath

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Bunco woes

Posted by houndrat on Friday Aug 8, 2008 Under family life, husbands, kids, Uncategorized

I had my monthly Bunco game last night.? Although supposedly a dice game, what Bunco really represents is a thinly veiled excuse for a bunch of women to? escape from the old homestead and drink beer (and in last night’s case, margaritas and Mojitos).? Our group consists mostly of moms which basically means our games? rate higher? on the obnoxious and beer drinking scales by a factor of ten.?

So after unwinding and enjoying girl talk for a few hours, I stumble into my house at about? 11:15 p.m, ready to crash into my bed.? Only to discover this:

Hello there, big pile of trash on my floor.? Here’s? a closer view:

Either a cyclone hit my house while I was nonchalantly slinging dice at Bunco or my hubby and son? decided to play a few rounds of recycling man and failed to tidy up.

Talk about a buzz kill.

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Obviously my husband has found out about my minor little prank of listing his favorite golf driver on ebay.? And he’s actually taking it very well.? Which makes me suspicious that he has already purchased another club of Brobdingnagian proportions and price elsewhere.? Or is planning to.? So if any of you are listing golf clubs on ebay please don’t accept any bids from sdriza.?

And see that?? I didn’t totally neglect my word challenge.? Okay, maybe I have neglected it just a wee bit.? But do you have any idea how hard it is to use a word about well-shaped buttocks in polite mixed company?? Or to even pronounce one half of a monster like Brobdingnagian?? More on that later, though.? I have other loose ends to tie up here.

And we have a winner for my first ever Great Purge give-away! Instead of using the random number generator to pick the winner, I have the genius idea of telling my son to choose a number between one and ten.?

How smart am I?? Not only am I blogging and giving away random crap invaluable gift items? from around my home, I’m also teaching my son about numbers.? ? So he? ponders for a moment.? Then? goes? with? sixty-three five hundred twenty-eight.? ? Hmmm.? ? So I have him pick? again.? And? he? chooses forty-two.? Well, at least this? is a number? I? am? familiar with, but given the small number of entries, it doesn’t get me any closer to finding a winner.? Finally, in desperation I say, “Great job, Connor!”, close my eyes and punch a number on my phone.

And so semidesperatehousewifehas the good people at VTech to thank for her new Billabong dress!? May her legs remain young and de-varicosed for many moons to come.

And now on to the new item up for grabs.

I had this junk foisted upon me won these things at a Tastefully Simple-Cookie Lee party I attended about two years ago and as you can see they haven’t been worn yet.? It’s not that I don’t think they’re perfectly lovely.? But somehow crosses always remind me of my Madonna phase in high school and I’m just so not willing to revisit my fashion sense from back then.? Lest I start donning white boots and? jean mini skirts to go along with it.? And perhaps even a scrunchie or two.? ?

So here are some photos:

Sorry the second one is so blurry.? I was just trying to give you an idea of the greeness of green that? are the crystals.

So if you’re interested, leave me a comment telling me about your favorite cheesy outfit from any time period.? Mine?? Probably this hideous white ultra-mini with a black band around the waist, ultra-short black biker shorts underneath, and a black lycra midriff baring top.? Because it just wasn’t trampy enough without baring a little extra stomach.? Hopefully the 17-year-olds of this generation are making much smarter fashion selections.

The contest will be going until Friday night, at which time I will pick a winner and post a new item up for grabs!

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Buy a golf club, save a marriage

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Aug 5, 2008 Under family life, husbands, random stuff, Uncategorized

Do’s and Don’ts of? listing your hubby’s? favorite golf driver? on ebay without telling him:

1)? Do not? mistakenly use his ebay account instead of your own to list club as strangely, ebay updates are sent to account holder’s email address.? Unless husband is too dense to decipher emails? saying such things as, “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

2) Do notify hubby about? horrifying new virus? causing instant? computer implosion? contained in emails titled “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

3)? Do not make up silly account name like “AllGolfersSuckTheBigOne” as bidders will be frightened.

4) Do make up silly account name like “AllGolfersUsingThisClubCanExpectPenisToGrowThreeInchesInTwoDays” as most men will be too frightenend not to bid.

5)? Do not post ebay info on blog if hubby’s co-workers read it.? This is virtual guarantee that hubby will be recipient of mocking in workplace and subsequently, will find out about missing club.?

6)? Do send link to all your friends in hopes their hubbies will take outlandish golfing beast off your hands.?

7) Do not fail to book yourself and children a hotel room for the night hubby finds out.?

8)? Do book five-star resort and plan to pay with proceeds of golf club sale.

9)? Do not fail to hide all prized possessions, including hound dogs and favored Coach purse, so hubby can’t retaliate with similar ebay listing.?

10)? Do conspicuously leave decrepit demented Rottwiler and hubby’s 80′s style Movado watch out in plain sight.

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Has your husband ever made you SO angry and scream SO loudly that your vocal cords burst? from? your throat and smacked him straight upside the head?? No?? Okay so maybe that didn’t happen here either.? ? But you know it’s bad when I’m seriously digging the visual.

Usually after going postal in my brain for a few hours, I just get over? such things? and move on.? But not this time.? This time,? hubby crossed the line.? So I did what any sane wife would do.?

Which is to say, I LISTED HIS BRAND NEW? GOLF? CLUB? ON EBAY.? WITHOUT TELLING HIM FIRST.

OH YES I DID.

Here are the specifics.? You see, hubby is a complete gadget and sporting goods whore.? And he kills me with the amount of stuff he buys.? Stuff he purports to “need”.? For instance, he actually bought a motorcycle about three years ago from somebody he knows in Chicago without telling me first.? Because he needed it.? Of course, since hubby made no arrangements for transportation, the freakin’ thing is still rusting away in Chicago, probably getting eaten by rats in somebody else’s garage.? But I’m glad we have one, you know.? Just in case.? And the ice axe.? For which I’m sure there are an infinite number of uses.? Providing you live in Alaska and not SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA which, last time I checked, is where we currently reside.

The main point here is hubby AGREED to a buying ban.? And this time I actually BELIEVED him.? So imagine my surprise when I go to fill the trunk of his car with groceries and instead, find this skulking there:

Yeah, I didn’t really know what “this” was either, until I took the cover off:

Why hello there, absolutely ginormous golf club that looks to cost as much as Heidi Klum’s wardrobe on Project Runway.? And note the most crucial detail—it’s BRAND–SPANKIN–NEW!

? I know,? selling someone’s stuff without permission? sounds bad.? Terrible even.? But seriously folks, we’re supposed to be at least pretending to save money.? You know, for the trivial stuff.? Like the new baby.? Our kids’ college funds.? ? The monstrously large mortgage.? Oh yeah, and sometimes we even like to eat.? I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking a surreptitious $500+ golf club purchase pretty much blows? hubby’s spending ban straight to hell.? And hello, he already has a driver.? A Big Bertha in fact, so it’s not like it’s some Toys R Us special.? But for the man with fifty tents and almost as many (non-working) cars, the word “enough” is meaningless.

And I tried to like it.? Really I did.? In fact, I seriously considered ebaying my husband and keeping the club.? For one thing, it didn’t hog the covers.? Or steal my pillow.

? ? And we never fought over what to watch on TV.

? My? kids kind of liked it.

? Heck, even the hounds seemed to accept it as just one of the girls.? Plus,? having a club instead of a husband? freed up crucial couch space.

? Of course Peanut didn’t think much of it.? Then again, he tries to eat his own reflection.

In the end, though,? I decided there’s something to be said for a little intelligent conversation.? ? Plus, the club’s idea of a good time was driving by a golf course, honking the horn and screaming “SLICE!” just as some poor schmuck was getting ready to tee off.? ? Although on second thought,? the club most certainly learned that trick from hubby.

Besides, I’m pretty sure the club is worth more on the open market.

? At any rate, if you want to read more, go to? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120290738165&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fsearch%2Fsearch.dll%3Ffrom%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dm37%26satitle%3D120290738165%26category0%3D%26fvi%3D1

Or if that doesn’t work (notice my killer skills with tiny url)? try http://www.ebay.com and plug in item # 120290738165

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And my least favorite bodily fluid is…

Posted by houndrat on Monday Jul 21, 2008 Under babies, family life, mommies, Uncategorized

Everybody’s a fashion critic these days—even Finley.? ? And? here’s what she had to say about my Tar-jay bling bling sandals:

(In case you’re wondering—yes, that is a gi-normous pile of baby spit-up.? On my foot.)

So they’re obviously not Manolos.? But really, are they that bad??

Well, we obviously know Finley’s opinion.? Then again, just about anything can make her upchuck.? Even her own drool.? The real question here is—does it make me a bad mom to admit how high on the icky scale I rate massive amounts of baby yak?

And for the life of me, I can’t fathom how something so cute produces such a vast amount of yuck:

Stacey and Clinton, don’t get any fancy ideas!

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My mom used to say, “Everybody has a talent.”? Or maybe that was Claire Huxtable.? At any rate, the important thing to note here is that I subscribe to this theory.?

Unfortunately for me, not all talents are created equal.?

For example, my? “special” ability? involves remembering impossibly random 80′s songs and lyrics.? This skill (and I use that term very loosely) is infinitely less desirable than, say, the ability to change dog poop into diamonds (in which case I would be a bazillionaire by now) or the ability to see out of the back of my head (great for catching my son BEFORE he? “decorates” baby sister with red duct tape).?

Heck, I’d even take the ability to cook dinner while taking a nap.? But alas, no such luck.

Thus far, the only real use I’ve discovered for? my “talent” is to annoy friends by screaming “It seems I care enough to know that I could never love you” any time Poison Arrow comes on at a party or bar.

At long last, though, I’m getting? a chance to utilize my talent to better mankind.? Or, at least,? to make? my 20 year high school reunion music selection not suck (although, “not suck” and “80′s music”? is something of an oxymoron).? And yes, I said 20 year—the midlife crisis? provoked by this? landmark? will undoubtedly fill another fifty blog posts at some later date.

But back to 80′s music.? Here’s the part where you help me out.? Below is a list of songs I remember from my high school years (1984-1988).? If YOUR favorite song from that time period is missing, please, put it in the comment section below.

In turn, I promise not to scream ABC lyrics ever again.? ? So long as? Dead or Alive? is still fair game.

Mission Viejo High School Class of 1988 Reunion Song List:

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Squeeze (happy now, Joe?? J? ? –Tempted,? Hourglass, Pulling Mussels from a Shell

Beastie Boys—Brass Monkey, Fight for Your Right, Paul Revere, Girls, She’s Crafty

Guns n’ Roses—Welcome to the Jungle, Mr. Brownstone, Sweet Child of Mine, Paradise City

General Public—Tenderness, Never You Done That, General Public

The Cult—She Sells Sanctuary, Love Removal Machine, Wild Flower, Lil’ Devil

Oingo Boingo—Dead Man’s Party, Not My Slave, Only a Lad, Wild Sex (in the Working Class)

The Cure—Just Like Heaven, the Lovecats, Why Can’t I Be You,? Hot! Hot! Hot!

Thompson Twins—Lay Your Hands on Me, If You Were Here

Bryan Ferry—Slave to Love

New Order—Bizarre Love Triangle, The Perfect Kiss, Blue Monday, Shell Shock, Subculture (re-mix)

Gene Loves Jezebel—Desire

Dead or Alive—You Spin Me Right Round, Something in My House

Flesh for Lulu—I Go Crazy

Yaz—Situation, Don’t Go

Spandau Ballet—True

INXS—Need You Tonight, Original Sin

Tears for Fears—Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Shout

The Call—Everywhere I Go, I Still Believe

The Alarm—The Stand, Strength

Psychedelic Furs—Pretty in Pink, The Ghost in You

Frankie Goes to Hollywood—Relax, Two Tribes

Wham! –Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Everything She Wants, I’m Your Man

Siouxsie and the Banshees—Cities in Dust

Soft Cell—Tainted Love

Animotion—Obsession

Simple Minds—Don’t You (Forget About Me), Up on the Catwalk, Alive and Kicking

The Fixx—One Thing Leads to Another, Are We Ourselves?

Berlin—No More Words, Sex (I’m a…..)

Duran Duran—Hungry Like the Wolf, The Reflex, Rio

Thomas Dolby—She Blinded Me with Science, Airhead

The Smiths—Bigmouth Strikes Again, How Soon is Now?, What Difference Does it Make?

Hoodoo Gurus—Bittersweet

Naked Eyes—Always Something There to Remind Me

Talk Talk—It’s My Life

Go West—We Close Our Eyes

Sly Fox—Let’s Go All the Way

UB40—Red Wine

The Clash—Should I Stay or Should I Go?, Rock the Casbah

Madonna— Holiday, Into the Groove, Like a Virgin

Bangles—Hazy Shade of Winter, Walk Like an Egyptian

ACDC—You Shook Me All Night Long

Wall of Voodoo—Mexican Radio

Bryan Adams—Run to You, Summer of 69

Cutting Crew—I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight

Whitesnake—Here I Go Again

Crowded House—Don’t Dream its Over

REM—The One I Love

U2—With or Without You, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for, The Sweetest Thing

Falco—Rock Me Amadeus

Bananarama—Venus, Cruel Summer

LL Cool J—I’m Goin’ Back to Cali

Wang Chung—Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

Howard Jones—Things Can Only Get Better

Level 42—Something About You

Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam —Take Me Home

Boys Don’t Cry—I Wanna Be a Cowboy

Van Halen—Jump, Dreams

David Lee Roth—Just a Gigolo?

Tones on Tail—Go!

Shannon—Let the Music Play

Chaka Kan—I Feel for You

? Klymaxx– Meeting in the Ladies Room

The English Beat—Mirror in the Bathroom, Save it for Later

Michael Jackson—Billie Jean, Thriller, Smooth Criminal

Peter Murphy—All Night Long

Go-Go’s—Head Over Heels, Our Lips are Sealed

Michael Sembello—Maniac

Cameo—Word Up

ABC—Poison Arrow, Be Near Me

Midnight Oil—the Power and the Passion

Alphaville—Big in Japan

Pet Shop Boys—West End Girls, Heart

Icicle Works—Whisper to a Scream

Modern English—Melt With You

Billy Idol—Rebel Yell, Mony Mony

OMD—If You Leave

Heaven 17—Let Me Go

Book of Love—I Touch Roses

Samantha Fox—Naughty Girls Need Love Too

Suicidal Tendencies—Institutionalized

Dramarama—Anything

Aha—Take on Me

Steve Perry—Oh Sherrie

Poison—Every Rose Has Its Thorns

Sting—We’ll Be Together

Ratt—Lay It Down

Janet Jackson—Nasty

Katrina and the Waves—Walkin’ on Sunshine

King—Love and Pride

Murray Head—One Night in Bangkok

Los Lobos—La Bamba

Don Henley—Boys of Summer?

Nena—99 Luftballons

Jermaine Stewart– We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off

Nik Kershaw—Wouldn’t It Be Good?

? Lloyd Cole and the Commotions? ? ? Perfect Skin

Ministry—Everyday is Halloween?

Depeche Mode—Master and Servant, Something To Do, A Question of Time, Stripped, Black Celebration, Shake the Disease

Altered Images—Happy Birthday

Big Audio Dynamite—The Bottom Line

Warrant—Heaven

XTC—Dear God

Divinyls—Pleasure and Pain

The Pretenders—Show Me

Joe Jackson—Right and Wrong

Sisters of Mercy—This Corrosion

Violent Femmes—Blister in the Sun, Add it Up

Morris Day and the Time—Jungle Love

Prince—Let’s Go Crazy, U Got the Look, When Doves Cry,

The Outfield—Your Love

The Romantics—What I Like About You

Bronski Beat—Hit that Perfect Beat, Why?

Erasure—Sometimes, Who Needs Love Like That?

Club Noveau—Lean on Me

Junior—Mama Used to Say

Terence Trent D’arby—Sign Your Name

David Bowie—Modern Love, China Girl

George Michael—I Want Your Sex, Hard Day, Faith

Love and Rockets—No New Tale to Tell, Ball of Confusion

Bon Jovi—Livin’ on a Prayer, Wanted Dead or Alive

Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me

Ready for the World—Oh Sheila

C-Bank—One More Shot

Shannon—Let the Music Play

Sheila E—The Glamorous Life

Vanity—Nasty Girl

Expose—Point of No Return

Cover Girls—Show Me

Fivestar—All Fall Down

The Dead Milkmen—Bitchin’ Camaro

Aerosmith—Dude Looks Like a Lady

Echo and the Bunnymen—Sugar Kisses

Robert Palmer—Addicted to Love, Simply Irresistable

Salt N Pepa—Push It

Grand Master Flash—White Lines

B-52’s –Rock Lobster, Summer of Love

Kim Wilde—Keep Me Hangin’ On

JoBoxers—Just Got Lucky?

Billy Squier—The Stroke

Elvis Costello—Veronica

Eurythmics—Sweet Dreams

INXS and Jimmy Barnes—Good Times

Kenny Loggins—Danger Zone, Footloose

Motley Crue—Looks That Kill

Peter Gabriel—Big Time, In Your Eyes

Phil Collins—Easy Lover

Queen—Under Pressure

Real Life—Send Me An Angel

The Police—Roxanne, Message in? a Bottle, Don’t Stand So Close To Me, Every Breath You Take

Talking Heads—Burning Down the House

The Cars—Hello Again

The Ramones—I Wanna Be Sedated

The The—Infected

Til Tuesday—Voices Carry

ZZ Top—Sharp Dressed Man

Yello—Oh Yeah

Run DMC—Walk This Way

Tin Tin—Kiss Me

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This morning was pirate dress-up day at preschool.? And water play day.? I suppose the two are compatible—after all, pirates did live on ships most of their lives.? Still, I felt a little strange having my son don striped pirate breeches over his blue and orange plaid bathing suit.? I mean, what would Stacey and Clinton think?

We picked up his friend on the way, which always makes for an interesting experience.? Here are just a few scintillating snippets of conversation? from the seemingly never-ending car ride (Note:? preschool is about two minutes from my house).

“Ahoy there, you scarfy dogs!”? (These being the? scurvy dogs’ more fashionable cousins, presumably.)

“Baby sister, quit being so full of happiness!”? (Ah, a budding Morrissey.)

“Go faster, mommy, go faster!”? (He won’t be allowed to drive until he’s thirty.)

“Yeah, Miss Debra, go fast!”? (Ditto his friend.)

Son:? “We’re going faster than a walking piece of nothing!”? (I wasn’t sure if I should take offense, or? if this was some sort of preschooler existentialism.? And how exactly does this relate to pirates?)

Friend:? “We’re going faster than poop plopping down from the sky!”? (Now, that’s an analogy I haven’t heard before, but I suppose plopping sky poop would be quite speedy.? ? Though I’m still not sure what any of this has to do with pirates.? Or Gordon Lightfoot, for that matter.)

Then of course, the inevitable round of “Quit touching me!”? “No, you QUIT touching ME!”? And so on, until my head? demanded? an IV of Extra Strength Tylenol.

You know, Wordless Thursday really has a nice ring to it……

And here’s the pirate swag my son created and brought home.? I’m? thinking less swashbuckler, and more, I dunno, Liberace meets Dead or Alive, maybe?? And the apple stickers are throwing me off a little.? ?

Unless? the? pirates ate them to fight off “scarfy”:

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What NOT to do when attempting the word challenge:

1)? Do not pronounce the word with all the clarity of someone who just downed a pitcher of Everclear martinis.? People will look at you like you’ve been smoking crack in a closet for the past five years.

2)? Do not be foolish enough to choose two words if you are easily confused.? Uttering “callipygian” at the grocery store probably isn’t wise, as I’m fairly certain even the? most well-shaped? watermelons do not have buttocks.

3)? Do not forget your words, and thus mangle them into some kind of non-existent hybrid-word.? For example, “Brobdingnagian” and “callipygian” are difficult enough by themselves.? Creating “Brobipygian” is not only completely unnecessary, but makes you sound like you just immigrated from Mars.? And the cashier at the pet food store will stare at you.

So, in the interest of maintaining? a few remaining shreds of dignity, I’m going to practice? my words a? couple thousand times before breaking them out in public again.

Apropros of nothing, here are some? photos my hubby took over the weekend:

Believe it or not, I was there first.? Apparently, the only good spot can be obtained by squishing in-between me and the side of the couch.

I suppose the other couch was toxic or something, because notice how many hound dogs are on it:

Guess who finally moved?? Worthless Ridgebacks.? Oh, so sorry to have disturbed you, Skye…….

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I have a confession to make.? Being semi-new to the blogosphere, I’m not 100% certain what a “meme” is.? Or, for that matter, how to pronounce it.? Hubby says he thinks it’s pronounced “meem”.? ? But it could be? “Mee Mee”, or “May May”, for all I know.? Hopefully, somebody will enlighten me soon.?

From what I can gather,? a meme? is sort of like? a bloggers’ chain letter, only way cooler.? And less annoying.? Bascially, its an idea that spreads from blog to blog, in hopes of keeping us all entertained.?

So, in the interest of being a team player, I’ve decided to start my own chain.? For all you Miss Manners bloggers out there, I apologize in advance if I am performing some gi-normous meme-related faux pas.? I plead complete ignorance.? And the 5th, if that helps.

My idea is pretty simple.? See,? I love being a stay-at-home-mom.? Really, I do.? But there are? days when I can actually feel my brain shrinking inside my skull, and times when I can literally see the redundant gray matter bits flying out of my ears, no doubt in search of a more? stimulating environment.? I mean, my kids are wonderful and amazing, and of course,? as Rule Number One in the Mom Handbook dictates, I believe them to? be the most? highly intelligent children on the planet.? However, I’ve been rudely awakened to the fact that even the most? clever four year-olds? enjoy conversing with appalling frequency on topics like? human feces, flatulence, and the private parts, or lack thereof, of Thomas the tank engine.

So, in an effort to? inflate my? gray matter? back to its original dimensions, I’ve come up with something I hope will be a little more intellectually-stimulating than, say, blowing? tooting noises on my arm.? Yes, I’ve set the bar that high.

My idea?? Well, it all comes back to memes.? I realized that I’d seen the word “meme” on multiple occasions, but never bothered to ascertain its true definition.? In? my pre-kid era, I used to mark any rogue words I’d happen upon in books, then hunt down their meaning with the? determination of a…well…hunter.? (At this point, I feel obligated to mention I imbibed a? couple too many margaritas last night. ? Which is to say I had one.)? Nowadays?? I simply ignore the offending letters,? hoping, I suppose, ? that? one day? the? definition will be prominently featured in an episode of Blue’s Clue’s.? And it’s hopeless, really, because all I can think about when I watch that particular cartoon is, “Gee,? I wonder how often? Steve (or Joe) washes that? hideous shirt?? Is he trying to teach my son to be slovenly?? ? And, for that matter,? can? the creators really hate fashion that much?”? And then I digress into thoughts of what might happen if Steve hooked up with Stacey and Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, and how it? would make for? a ridiculously short episode, because? there are only so? many ways you can examine one shirt in a 3-way mirror, and by then, even if Blue was screaming “Tumescent!” at the top of his lungs while running naked through the streets, I wouldn’t notice.? Although, come to think of it, Blue’s always naked.? ? Which is a valid choice when considering poor Steve’s wardrobe.

So, with no plausible chance at reclaiming my brain via Blue’s Clues, I figured I’d have to try something else to regenerate my neurons.? Thus, my Word Quest begins…?

How it works:

First, I’ll pick a word that baffles? me? or that? I’ve absolutely never heard before in conversation, and? make it? my? slave? For the next few days, I’ll take that word, one that has nothing to do with excrement or wee wees, thank you very much, and use it routinely when out and about.? I can whip it out at the grocery check-out line.? Insert it casually into some playgroup gossip.? Impress that snooty preschool parent (although snooty really doesn’t fly at the world’s cheapest preschool).? Even throw it out there at the BlogHer mixer (or at least I? could have, had “Procrastination” not been my middle name).? ? Basically,? I’ll keep using? my word? until I’ve completely tamed it into submission.? Then, on? my blog,? I’ll give the definition, use it in a sentence, and then post about any random reactions? I got from friends and strangers when uttering it.? And I’m tagging five other bloggers to do the same.? Once? they’ve finished posting, they’ll tag five more, and so on.

I figure even if? I’m lazy and apathetic,? I’ll learn one new word.? And if? I’m feeling especially? motivated?? Heck, I can read the blogs of my tag-ees, and oversaturate my poor brain with even more brand spankin’ new wordage.? And just think–we’re upping the vocabulary ante for bloggers and readers alike.? We can all grow our brains together in one huge collaborative effort, and save? ourselves from the insidious, mind-melting? effects of neglect.? And sleep deprivation.? And never, ever? reading any books with words over one syllable.

So, I’ll? include a list of words below, just in case you’re feeling stymied (see that?? I’m getting in the mood already).? But feel free to find your own.? Ultimately, its your brain at stake, and therefore, your choice.

Here are my tag-ees:

Swistle? ? ? ? ? ? ? Moo? ? ? ? ? ? IdentityMixed? ? ? ? ? ? WannabeHippie? ? ? ? ? ? ? Playful Professional? ? ? ? ? ? Stimey

(Note:? In case you’re wondering, yes, I can count to six.? Even with one margarita in me.? I listed one extra above because Playful Professional may? be on a blog hiatus for awhile)?

And, by the way—if you’ve been tagged, it basically means one of two things:? 1) from what I’ve gathered from your blog posts,? it seems? like you might enjoy? some mental exercise, or, 2) from what I’ve gathered from your blog posts, it seems like even if you think this is the mother of all stupid ideas, you might take pity on me.? ? Oh, and there’s the third cateogry as well, in which I shamelessly remind you how I fostered and cared for your poor homeless rescue dog before she went to live with you forever, so now, you should feel sufficiently indebted to me to do this bloggy thing.? (And in case that wasn’t pointed enough, yes, IdentityMixed, I am guilting persuading? you into participating!)

Here’s a list of a few words? I found in? my search:?

abrogate, obdurate, lachrymose, crepuscular, blunderbuss, soporific, rapacious, boreal, pelagic, clathrate, rapprochement, hegemony, gyre, apostate, manse, misoneism, tohubohu, nocebo, acritochromacy,

? And here’s a great Word-A-Day resource to look up your own.

One word I considered from the above website was “coprolite”, which is basically a fossilized terd.? Then, I remembered my vow to shun all things poopy and their derivatives, so I continued my search.

And finally settled on two words.? Yes, I know I was supposed to pick just one, but being the indecisive person that I am, that really wasn’t in the cards.? And just as a tantalizer, I’ll give you the words, Brobdingnagian and callipygian.? And the fact that they have to do with size and bottoms.?

And now, only time will tell if I’ll be able to use them in public without snorting iced tea out my nose.? I suppose so long as it isn’t brain cells, I’ll be making an immense improvement……..

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