Do’s and Don’ts of? listing your hubby’s? favorite golf driver? on ebay without telling him:

1)? Do not? mistakenly use his ebay account instead of your own to list club as strangely, ebay updates are sent to account holder’s email address.? Unless husband is too dense to decipher emails? saying such things as, “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

2) Do notify hubby about? horrifying new virus? causing instant? computer implosion? contained in emails titled “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

3)? Do not make up silly account name like “AllGolfersSuckTheBigOne” as bidders will be frightened.

4) Do make up silly account name like “AllGolfersUsingThisClubCanExpectPenisToGrowThreeInchesInTwoDays” as most men will be too frightenend not to bid.

5)? Do not post ebay info on blog if hubby’s co-workers read it.? This is virtual guarantee that hubby will be recipient of mocking in workplace and subsequently, will find out about missing club.?

6)? Do send link to all your friends in hopes their hubbies will take outlandish golfing beast off your hands.?

7) Do not fail to book yourself and children a hotel room for the night hubby finds out.?

8)? Do book five-star resort and plan to pay with proceeds of golf club sale.

9)? Do not fail to hide all prized possessions, including hound dogs and favored Coach purse, so hubby can’t retaliate with similar ebay listing.?

10)? Do conspicuously leave decrepit demented Rottwiler and hubby’s 80′s style Movado watch out in plain sight.

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Has your husband ever made you SO angry and scream SO loudly that your vocal cords burst? from? your throat and smacked him straight upside the head?? No?? Okay so maybe that didn’t happen here either.? ? But you know it’s bad when I’m seriously digging the visual.

Usually after going postal in my brain for a few hours, I just get over? such things? and move on.? But not this time.? This time,? hubby crossed the line.? So I did what any sane wife would do.?

Which is to say, I LISTED HIS BRAND NEW? GOLF? CLUB? ON EBAY.? WITHOUT TELLING HIM FIRST.

OH YES I DID.

Here are the specifics.? You see, hubby is a complete gadget and sporting goods whore.? And he kills me with the amount of stuff he buys.? Stuff he purports to “need”.? For instance, he actually bought a motorcycle about three years ago from somebody he knows in Chicago without telling me first.? Because he needed it.? Of course, since hubby made no arrangements for transportation, the freakin’ thing is still rusting away in Chicago, probably getting eaten by rats in somebody else’s garage.? But I’m glad we have one, you know.? Just in case.? And the ice axe.? For which I’m sure there are an infinite number of uses.? Providing you live in Alaska and not SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA which, last time I checked, is where we currently reside.

The main point here is hubby AGREED to a buying ban.? And this time I actually BELIEVED him.? So imagine my surprise when I go to fill the trunk of his car with groceries and instead, find this skulking there:

Yeah, I didn’t really know what “this” was either, until I took the cover off:

Why hello there, absolutely ginormous golf club that looks to cost as much as Heidi Klum’s wardrobe on Project Runway.? And note the most crucial detail—it’s BRAND–SPANKIN–NEW!

? I know,? selling someone’s stuff without permission? sounds bad.? Terrible even.? But seriously folks, we’re supposed to be at least pretending to save money.? You know, for the trivial stuff.? Like the new baby.? Our kids’ college funds.? ? The monstrously large mortgage.? Oh yeah, and sometimes we even like to eat.? I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking a surreptitious $500+ golf club purchase pretty much blows? hubby’s spending ban straight to hell.? And hello, he already has a driver.? A Big Bertha in fact, so it’s not like it’s some Toys R Us special.? But for the man with fifty tents and almost as many (non-working) cars, the word “enough” is meaningless.

And I tried to like it.? Really I did.? In fact, I seriously considered ebaying my husband and keeping the club.? For one thing, it didn’t hog the covers.? Or steal my pillow.

? ? And we never fought over what to watch on TV.

? My? kids kind of liked it.

? Heck, even the hounds seemed to accept it as just one of the girls.? Plus,? having a club instead of a husband? freed up crucial couch space.

? Of course Peanut didn’t think much of it.? Then again, he tries to eat his own reflection.

In the end, though,? I decided there’s something to be said for a little intelligent conversation.? ? Plus, the club’s idea of a good time was driving by a golf course, honking the horn and screaming “SLICE!” just as some poor schmuck was getting ready to tee off.? ? Although on second thought,? the club most certainly learned that trick from hubby.

Besides, I’m pretty sure the club is worth more on the open market.

? At any rate, if you want to read more, go to? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120290738165&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fsearch%2Fsearch.dll%3Ffrom%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dm37%26satitle%3D120290738165%26category0%3D%26fvi%3D1

Or if that doesn’t work (notice my killer skills with tiny url)? try http://www.ebay.com and plug in item # 120290738165

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Not too long ago, I sent in an article to eharmony, in hopes of getting a writing gig.? Guess what?? I-Got-Published!

Okay, so it’s not like I’m going to be short-listed for the Pulitzer or anything.? Or even that I finally? finished that heinous? romance novel I started over five years ago (poor Drake and Sophie–they at least deserve some kind of closure!)?

But I’m excited about it anyway.? Besides, as a mom, I’ve been pretty much indoctrinated in how to celebrate the mundane.? ? Such as? all those times I cheered like a crazy woman? upon? discovering poop? in the potty.? Or when I do the happy dance because my son chooses a tissue upon which to wipe his weeping mucous membranes, rather than his sleeve.? Or the couch.? Or even the hound dogs (poor Skye).?

I mean, surely, if? human feces and boogers? can make me? pump my fist? in triumph, then you can pretty much guarantee I can get excited about anything.?

So awhile ago, I wrote an article on dating (yeah, funny one, I know) in San Diego.? As it turns out, they chose? nine writers out of over a thousand submissions, and for some crazy reason, I happened to be one of them.? And, I’m actually getting PAID to do it.

Without further ado, here is the link to my article.? Actually, there’s just a? teensy weensy? little more? ado to be had.? A small precaution, really—you see, here’s the part where I tell you how truly awful my article is, in the hopes that your diminished expectations might be ever-so-slightly exceeded.? Seriously, though, if you’re seeking an introspective, erudite discussion on the philosophy and conundrums of procuring romantic partners in Southern California, you? shouldn’t even think for a millisecond about clicking this link? but instead,? make a beeline? for your local library (Only, don’t check out? fifty books and then promptly forget about? them for over two months.? As I recently discovered, librarian types? tend to frown on that.? Plus, you? can buy your own? bookstore for less than the overdue fees.)

http://advice.eharmony.com/article/the-top-10-guide-to-dating-in-san-diego

And, since my brain doesn’t understand the term “linear” at all, here are some photos that have absolutely nothing to do with dating in San Diego.? ? I caught Fergie being, well, Fergie, about a few hundred times today.?

I like to call this ensemble, “A Day in the Life of Fergie:? So Many No-No’s, So Little Time.”

Hmmm, anything tasty by the sink?

The approach….

The kill….Um, hello, does she not see me standing RIGHT HERE???

Same bowl, different snack time.? Are you kidding me?? And I’m still standing RIGHT HERE!

And now for the trash:

What have we here?? Mommy’s used snot rag?? Score!

Aha–my favorite dessert!

I promise you, the dog really does get fed.? And sometimes, even digestable stuff.

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The? great purge has finally arrived.? And it’s about time.

No, not that kind of purge–I enjoy my yummies entirely too much to sully their memory with the? flavor of? vomit.? Besides, we don’t clean our toilets enough for me to? chance? sticking my face inside ours on a daily basis.

No, I’m talking about a stuff purge.? As in, cleansing our home of the five zillion useless pieces of crap that clutter every square inch.?

Hubby and I have been vainly attempting to get organized for years.? And finally, it’s? dawned on us why even? the smallest drawer has thwarted our? most? Herculean efforts to? conquer it:

It’s all about the stuff.? Granted,? both hubby and myself? are utterly devoid of any organizational talents.? ? Not to mention, ? the thousands? of brain cells? we’ve sacrificed at? the altar of parenting haven’t helped our cause.? But,? really, people.? Surely? even the most organizationally-void? soul doesn’t clean their garage for an entire day, only to end up having it look like this:?

(And yes, the same totalled car? from over a year? ago is still in residence.? Talk to my husband, because I honestly don’t have an answer for you.? At least, not a coherent one.)

So, finally, after a stunning number of failures, we think we’ve excavated the? root of our issue.? See, it’s not just an organizational thing, it’s a stuff ? thing.? And we’ve got too much.? Stuff, that is.?

I know—for a couple with three and a half graduate degrees between us, it took long enough.? I mean, when your counters look like this, and your garage like this, you’d think anyone with an IQ over ten would have come to this conclusion years ago.? Let’s face it—even? the love child of Pamela Anderson and Dan Quayle? would have comprehended that there are simply not enough organizational devices? in the entire Northern hemisphere to encompass the vast amounts of junk taking refuge in our home.?

So, in a massively ginormous effort to both de-stressify and greenify our lives (hey, this is my blog, and thusly, I am granted the power of making up words as I see fit), we’ve decided to purge.? The plan?? Simple.? We sell some on craigslist, list some on freecycle, and give any leftovers? to charity.

Oh yeah, and I figured I could give some stuff away on my blog.? And here is the perfect place to start:

Yes, that is my closet.? Disgraceful, I know.? But just think—you can assist me in at long last determining the color? of the? carpet inside.? Assuming I actually have carpet in there.? And here’s how it works:

I’m going to be photographing various items I need gone and posting them here over the next month.? If you want that item, leave a comment.? At the end of a set period of time, which I’ll state in my post, I’ll randomly pick a winner and send them the item.? Oh, and feel free to leave a comment even if you don’t want the item–seriously, you won’t hurt my feelings.? Well, maybe just a little.? But I’ll get over it.? I mean, I am giving the item away after all, so logic dictates that I can’t be too attached.?

Then again, there are times when logic? is just? as elusive to me as the? plentitude of Pamela Anderson’s bosoms.

Anyway, I figure it’s a win-win-win situation here–I’m cleaning my house, you’re getting prizes, and we’re all recycling and saving the landfills.? And all joking aside—hubby and I are really serious about scaling down the material goods.

So, here’s the first item.? I honestly don’t think I ever bought this dress–is it possible my clothes are procreating in there?? ? Frankly,? it’s? just a wee bit too short for somebody getting ready to attend her 20- year high school reunion next month (yikes)!? The brand is Billabong, and it’s a size Medium, and never been worn (unless I wore it with the tag once, which, knowing me, is a distinct possibility.? Details are so not my thing).

And if you are one of those people who must see it on first, then here you go:

Love? it?? Need it?? Or absolutely detest it, but just want to get to know your mailman better?? Then leave me a comment.? You have until midnight Thursday.

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So, I’m thinking this is not what the Happy Heiny’s manufacturer intended when they called this diaper an “all-in-one”.? But really—doesn’t it make a perfect hat??

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My mom used to say, “Everybody has a talent.”? Or maybe that was Claire Huxtable.? At any rate, the important thing to note here is that I subscribe to this theory.?

Unfortunately for me, not all talents are created equal.?

For example, my? “special” ability? involves remembering impossibly random 80′s songs and lyrics.? This skill (and I use that term very loosely) is infinitely less desirable than, say, the ability to change dog poop into diamonds (in which case I would be a bazillionaire by now) or the ability to see out of the back of my head (great for catching my son BEFORE he? “decorates” baby sister with red duct tape).?

Heck, I’d even take the ability to cook dinner while taking a nap.? But alas, no such luck.

Thus far, the only real use I’ve discovered for? my “talent” is to annoy friends by screaming “It seems I care enough to know that I could never love you” any time Poison Arrow comes on at a party or bar.

At long last, though, I’m getting? a chance to utilize my talent to better mankind.? Or, at least,? to make? my 20 year high school reunion music selection not suck (although, “not suck” and “80′s music”? is something of an oxymoron).? And yes, I said 20 year—the midlife crisis? provoked by this? landmark? will undoubtedly fill another fifty blog posts at some later date.

But back to 80′s music.? Here’s the part where you help me out.? Below is a list of songs I remember from my high school years (1984-1988).? If YOUR favorite song from that time period is missing, please, put it in the comment section below.

In turn, I promise not to scream ABC lyrics ever again.? ? So long as? Dead or Alive? is still fair game.

Mission Viejo High School Class of 1988 Reunion Song List:

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Squeeze (happy now, Joe?? J? ? –Tempted,? Hourglass, Pulling Mussels from a Shell

Beastie Boys—Brass Monkey, Fight for Your Right, Paul Revere, Girls, She’s Crafty

Guns n’ Roses—Welcome to the Jungle, Mr. Brownstone, Sweet Child of Mine, Paradise City

General Public—Tenderness, Never You Done That, General Public

The Cult—She Sells Sanctuary, Love Removal Machine, Wild Flower, Lil’ Devil

Oingo Boingo—Dead Man’s Party, Not My Slave, Only a Lad, Wild Sex (in the Working Class)

The Cure—Just Like Heaven, the Lovecats, Why Can’t I Be You,? Hot! Hot! Hot!

Thompson Twins—Lay Your Hands on Me, If You Were Here

Bryan Ferry—Slave to Love

New Order—Bizarre Love Triangle, The Perfect Kiss, Blue Monday, Shell Shock, Subculture (re-mix)

Gene Loves Jezebel—Desire

Dead or Alive—You Spin Me Right Round, Something in My House

Flesh for Lulu—I Go Crazy

Yaz—Situation, Don’t Go

Spandau Ballet—True

INXS—Need You Tonight, Original Sin

Tears for Fears—Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Shout

The Call—Everywhere I Go, I Still Believe

The Alarm—The Stand, Strength

Psychedelic Furs—Pretty in Pink, The Ghost in You

Frankie Goes to Hollywood—Relax, Two Tribes

Wham! –Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Everything She Wants, I’m Your Man

Siouxsie and the Banshees—Cities in Dust

Soft Cell—Tainted Love

Animotion—Obsession

Simple Minds—Don’t You (Forget About Me), Up on the Catwalk, Alive and Kicking

The Fixx—One Thing Leads to Another, Are We Ourselves?

Berlin—No More Words, Sex (I’m a…..)

Duran Duran—Hungry Like the Wolf, The Reflex, Rio

Thomas Dolby—She Blinded Me with Science, Airhead

The Smiths—Bigmouth Strikes Again, How Soon is Now?, What Difference Does it Make?

Hoodoo Gurus—Bittersweet

Naked Eyes—Always Something There to Remind Me

Talk Talk—It’s My Life

Go West—We Close Our Eyes

Sly Fox—Let’s Go All the Way

UB40—Red Wine

The Clash—Should I Stay or Should I Go?, Rock the Casbah

Madonna— Holiday, Into the Groove, Like a Virgin

Bangles—Hazy Shade of Winter, Walk Like an Egyptian

ACDC—You Shook Me All Night Long

Wall of Voodoo—Mexican Radio

Bryan Adams—Run to You, Summer of 69

Cutting Crew—I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight

Whitesnake—Here I Go Again

Crowded House—Don’t Dream its Over

REM—The One I Love

U2—With or Without You, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for, The Sweetest Thing

Falco—Rock Me Amadeus

Bananarama—Venus, Cruel Summer

LL Cool J—I’m Goin’ Back to Cali

Wang Chung—Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

Howard Jones—Things Can Only Get Better

Level 42—Something About You

Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam —Take Me Home

Boys Don’t Cry—I Wanna Be a Cowboy

Van Halen—Jump, Dreams

David Lee Roth—Just a Gigolo?

Tones on Tail—Go!

Shannon—Let the Music Play

Chaka Kan—I Feel for You

? Klymaxx– Meeting in the Ladies Room

The English Beat—Mirror in the Bathroom, Save it for Later

Michael Jackson—Billie Jean, Thriller, Smooth Criminal

Peter Murphy—All Night Long

Go-Go’s—Head Over Heels, Our Lips are Sealed

Michael Sembello—Maniac

Cameo—Word Up

ABC—Poison Arrow, Be Near Me

Midnight Oil—the Power and the Passion

Alphaville—Big in Japan

Pet Shop Boys—West End Girls, Heart

Icicle Works—Whisper to a Scream

Modern English—Melt With You

Billy Idol—Rebel Yell, Mony Mony

OMD—If You Leave

Heaven 17—Let Me Go

Book of Love—I Touch Roses

Samantha Fox—Naughty Girls Need Love Too

Suicidal Tendencies—Institutionalized

Dramarama—Anything

Aha—Take on Me

Steve Perry—Oh Sherrie

Poison—Every Rose Has Its Thorns

Sting—We’ll Be Together

Ratt—Lay It Down

Janet Jackson—Nasty

Katrina and the Waves—Walkin’ on Sunshine

King—Love and Pride

Murray Head—One Night in Bangkok

Los Lobos—La Bamba

Don Henley—Boys of Summer?

Nena—99 Luftballons

Jermaine Stewart– We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off

Nik Kershaw—Wouldn’t It Be Good?

? Lloyd Cole and the Commotions—? ? ? Perfect Skin

Ministry—Everyday is Halloween?

Depeche Mode—Master and Servant, Something To Do, A Question of Time, Stripped, Black Celebration, Shake the Disease

Altered Images—Happy Birthday

Big Audio Dynamite—The Bottom Line

Warrant—Heaven

XTC—Dear God

Divinyls—Pleasure and Pain

The Pretenders—Show Me

Joe Jackson—Right and Wrong

Sisters of Mercy—This Corrosion

Violent Femmes—Blister in the Sun, Add it Up

Morris Day and the Time—Jungle Love

Prince—Let’s Go Crazy, U Got the Look, When Doves Cry,

The Outfield—Your Love

The Romantics—What I Like About You

Bronski Beat—Hit that Perfect Beat, Why?

Erasure—Sometimes, Who Needs Love Like That?

Club Noveau—Lean on Me

Junior—Mama Used to Say

Terence Trent D’arby—Sign Your Name

David Bowie—Modern Love, China Girl

George Michael—I Want Your Sex, Hard Day, Faith

Love and Rockets—No New Tale to Tell, Ball of Confusion

Bon Jovi—Livin’ on a Prayer, Wanted Dead or Alive

Def Leppard—Pour Some Sugar on Me

Ready for the World—Oh Sheila

C-Bank—One More Shot

Shannon—Let the Music Play

Sheila E—The Glamorous Life

Vanity—Nasty Girl

Expose—Point of No Return

Cover Girls—Show Me

Fivestar—All Fall Down

The Dead Milkmen—Bitchin’ Camaro

Aerosmith—Dude Looks Like a Lady

Echo and the Bunnymen—Sugar Kisses

Robert Palmer—Addicted to Love, Simply Irresistable

Salt N Pepa—Push It

Grand Master Flash—White Lines

B-52’s –Rock Lobster, Summer of Love

Kim Wilde—Keep Me Hangin’ On

JoBoxers—Just Got Lucky?

Billy Squier—The Stroke

Elvis Costello—Veronica

Eurythmics—Sweet Dreams

INXS and Jimmy Barnes—Good Times

Kenny Loggins—Danger Zone, Footloose

Motley Crue—Looks That Kill

Peter Gabriel—Big Time, In Your Eyes

Phil Collins—Easy Lover

Queen—Under Pressure

Real Life—Send Me An Angel

The Police—Roxanne, Message in? a Bottle, Don’t Stand So Close To Me, Every Breath You Take

Talking Heads—Burning Down the House

The Cars—Hello Again

The Ramones—I Wanna Be Sedated

The The—Infected

Til Tuesday—Voices Carry

ZZ Top—Sharp Dressed Man

Yello—Oh Yeah

Run DMC—Walk This Way

Tin Tin—Kiss Me

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What NOT to do when attempting the word challenge:

1)? Do not pronounce the word with all the clarity of someone who just downed a pitcher of Everclear martinis.? People will look at you like you’ve been smoking crack in a closet for the past five years.

2)? Do not be foolish enough to choose two words if you are easily confused.? Uttering “callipygian” at the grocery store probably isn’t wise, as I’m fairly certain even the? most well-shaped? watermelons do not have buttocks.

3)? Do not forget your words, and thus mangle them into some kind of non-existent hybrid-word.? For example, “Brobdingnagian” and “callipygian” are difficult enough by themselves.? Creating “Brobipygian” is not only completely unnecessary, but makes you sound like you just immigrated from Mars.? And the cashier at the pet food store will stare at you.

So, in the interest of maintaining? a few remaining shreds of dignity, I’m going to practice? my words a? couple thousand times before breaking them out in public again.

Apropros of nothing, here are some? photos my hubby took over the weekend:

Believe it or not, I was there first.? Apparently, the only good spot can be obtained by squishing in-between me and the side of the couch.

I suppose the other couch was toxic or something, because notice how many hound dogs are on it:

Guess who finally moved?? Worthless Ridgebacks.? Oh, so sorry to have disturbed you, Skye…….

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I have a confession to make.? Being semi-new to the blogosphere, I’m not 100% certain what a “meme” is.? Or, for that matter, how to pronounce it.? Hubby says he thinks it’s pronounced “meem”.? ? But it could be? “Mee Mee”, or “May May”, for all I know.? Hopefully, somebody will enlighten me soon.?

From what I can gather,? a meme? is sort of like? a bloggers’ chain letter, only way cooler.? And less annoying.? Bascially, its an idea that spreads from blog to blog, in hopes of keeping us all entertained.?

So, in the interest of being a team player, I’ve decided to start my own chain.? For all you Miss Manners bloggers out there, I apologize in advance if I am performing some gi-normous meme-related faux pas.? I plead complete ignorance.? And the 5th, if that helps.

My idea is pretty simple.? See,? I love being a stay-at-home-mom.? Really, I do.? But there are? days when I can actually feel my brain shrinking inside my skull, and times when I can literally see the redundant gray matter bits flying out of my ears, no doubt in search of a more? stimulating environment.? I mean, my kids are wonderful and amazing, and of course,? as Rule Number One in the Mom Handbook dictates, I believe them to? be the most? highly intelligent children on the planet.? However, I’ve been rudely awakened to the fact that even the most? clever four year-olds? enjoy conversing with appalling frequency on topics like? human feces, flatulence, and the private parts, or lack thereof, of Thomas the tank engine.

So, in an effort to? inflate my? gray matter? back to its original dimensions, I’ve come up with something I hope will be a little more intellectually-stimulating than, say, blowing? tooting noises on my arm.? Yes, I’ve set the bar that high.

My idea?? Well, it all comes back to memes.? I realized that I’d seen the word “meme” on multiple occasions, but never bothered to ascertain its true definition.? In? my pre-kid era, I used to mark any rogue words I’d happen upon in books, then hunt down their meaning with the? determination of a…well…hunter.? (At this point, I feel obligated to mention I imbibed a? couple too many margaritas last night. ? Which is to say I had one.)? Nowadays?? I simply ignore the offending letters,? hoping, I suppose, ? that? one day? the? definition will be prominently featured in an episode of Blue’s Clue’s.? And it’s hopeless, really, because all I can think about when I watch that particular cartoon is, “Gee,? I wonder how often? Steve (or Joe) washes that? hideous shirt?? Is he trying to teach my son to be slovenly?? ? And, for that matter,? can? the creators really hate fashion that much?”? And then I digress into thoughts of what might happen if Steve hooked up with Stacey and Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, and how it? would make for? a ridiculously short episode, because? there are only so? many ways you can examine one shirt in a 3-way mirror, and by then, even if Blue was screaming “Tumescent!” at the top of his lungs while running naked through the streets, I wouldn’t notice.? Although, come to think of it, Blue’s always naked.? ? Which is a valid choice when considering poor Steve’s wardrobe.

So, with no plausible chance at reclaiming my brain via Blue’s Clues, I figured I’d have to try something else to regenerate my neurons.? Thus, my Word Quest begins…?

How it works:

First, I’ll pick a word that baffles? me? or that? I’ve absolutely never heard before in conversation, and? make it? my? slave? For the next few days, I’ll take that word, one that has nothing to do with excrement or wee wees, thank you very much, and use it routinely when out and about.? I can whip it out at the grocery check-out line.? Insert it casually into some playgroup gossip.? Impress that snooty preschool parent (although snooty really doesn’t fly at the world’s cheapest preschool).? Even throw it out there at the BlogHer mixer (or at least I? could have, had “Procrastination” not been my middle name).? ? Basically,? I’ll keep using? my word? until I’ve completely tamed it into submission.? Then, on? my blog,? I’ll give the definition, use it in a sentence, and then post about any random reactions? I got from friends and strangers when uttering it.? And I’m tagging five other bloggers to do the same.? Once? they’ve finished posting, they’ll tag five more, and so on.

I figure even if? I’m lazy and apathetic,? I’ll learn one new word.? And if? I’m feeling especially? motivated?? Heck, I can read the blogs of my tag-ees, and oversaturate my poor brain with even more brand spankin’ new wordage.? And just think–we’re upping the vocabulary ante for bloggers and readers alike.? We can all grow our brains together in one huge collaborative effort, and save? ourselves from the insidious, mind-melting? effects of neglect.? And sleep deprivation.? And never, ever? reading any books with words over one syllable.

So, I’ll? include a list of words below, just in case you’re feeling stymied (see that?? I’m getting in the mood already).? But feel free to find your own.? Ultimately, its your brain at stake, and therefore, your choice.

Here are my tag-ees:

Swistle? ? ? ? ? ? ? Moo? ? ? ? ? ? IdentityMixed? ? ? ? ? ? WannabeHippie? ? ? ? ? ? ? Playful Professional? ? ? ? ? ? Stimey

(Note:? In case you’re wondering, yes, I can count to six.? Even with one margarita in me.? I listed one extra above because Playful Professional may? be on a blog hiatus for awhile)?

And, by the way—if you’ve been tagged, it basically means one of two things:? 1) from what I’ve gathered from your blog posts,? it seems? like you might enjoy? some mental exercise, or, 2) from what I’ve gathered from your blog posts, it seems like even if you think this is the mother of all stupid ideas, you might take pity on me.? ? Oh, and there’s the third cateogry as well, in which I shamelessly remind you how I fostered and cared for your poor homeless rescue dog before she went to live with you forever, so now, you should feel sufficiently indebted to me to do this bloggy thing.? (And in case that wasn’t pointed enough, yes, IdentityMixed, I am guilting persuading? you into participating!)

Here’s a list of a few words? I found in? my search:?

abrogate, obdurate, lachrymose, crepuscular, blunderbuss, soporific, rapacious, boreal, pelagic, clathrate, rapprochement, hegemony, gyre, apostate, manse, misoneism, tohubohu, nocebo, acritochromacy,

? And here’s a great Word-A-Day resource to look up your own.

One word I considered from the above website was “coprolite”, which is basically a fossilized terd.? Then, I remembered my vow to shun all things poopy and their derivatives, so I continued my search.

And finally settled on two words.? Yes, I know I was supposed to pick just one, but being the indecisive person that I am, that really wasn’t in the cards.? And just as a tantalizer, I’ll give you the words, Brobdingnagian and callipygian.? And the fact that they have to do with size and bottoms.?

And now, only time will tell if I’ll be able to use them in public without snorting iced tea out my nose.? I suppose so long as it isn’t brain cells, I’ll be making an immense improvement……..

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Okay, so I realize I’m a little tardy on posting the winner of my Pay it Forward contest, but cut me some slack here—I’ve been super busy hunting up random junk in my house to send her.? Oh, what a lucky lady she is…..

And the winner is….Playful Professional!

As fate would have it, she happens to be the only one who mentioned homemade cookies in her comments.? Sigh.? I can’t make any promises, but I’ll give it my best shot.? Of course, there’s a good chance that I’ll ingest? all the cookies before any make it into the box.? But it’s the thought that counts.

So, I think I’ve got the “random” part of the prize covered, since I’ve? unearthed a plethora of treasures (and I use that term very loosely) while cleaning out the hall closet.? And “bizarre” and “useless” have been addressed as well.? I actually thought about sending Peanut to? fill those criteria at first, but then starting worrying about silly things.? You know, stuff like liability insurance. And decapitated postal workers.? I’m still working on the “cool”, and if it’s all the same to my winner, I think I’ll skip the “disgusting” altogether.? Although I’m pretty sure I could find something in my garage that fits the bill.? Like maybe a stray rat or two.

At any rate, I’m going to get to work throwing this prize package together, so I can get it out in the mail before Christmas.? I’ll take some photos too, and once it arrives I can post them.

Poor Playful Professional—I bet by this point she’s wishing she’d won somebody else’s contest.? With prizes guaranteed to be 100% rodent (and lunatic Rottweiler)-free.

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So, yesterday somebody mentioned they’d like to win home-made cookies.? (And yes, the Pay It Forward contest is still on, so keep leaving those comments!? You have until the 4th of July to enter.? Check out my post on Pay It Forward and Swistle for more details).

I seriously considered adding some fresh yummies into the prize package.? Except when I bake, I taste.? And not one or two cookies—we’re talking major tastage here.? As in, half the batch? is vacationing in? Tummy Town long before the baking sheet? has time to? cool.

Which usually wouldn’t faze me.? But, here’s the deal—folks, I just hoovered? a Super Big Gulp-sized? Chili’s shake last night, without even realizing it.? And I’m thinking this can’t be normal.?

Here’s the scoop–I was? surfing a bunch of blogs, and my hubby brought me? my nightly? yummy? (yes, he really is the best husband in the whole world, slobbery be damned).? He just sets it down next to me, and without really paying much attention, I start drinking.? ? And drinking.? And drinking.? The next thing I know, I’m looking over to siphon the very last bit out with my straw,? and instead, I scream? “OH-MY-GOD-I-JUST-CONSUMED-THE-ENTIRE-CONTENTS-OF-AN-EPICLY-GINORMOUS-CHILIS-SHAKE-AND-NOW-IM-GOING-TO-HURL!”

Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly what I screamed, but it? made for a better story than “ARRRGGGGGGG!”, or whatever inanity? actually? emerged from my shake-drowned vocal chords.? But I did yell, because the sight before me was so horrible.? So terrifying.? What I was looking at was,? without? a? doubt, the? most enormous cup I have ever seen, outside of 7-11 or somebody sticking a straw in a gallon-sized jug of Natural Light (yes, I’ve seen it done, and no, it wasn’t pretty).? And more to the point, the cup was completely empty.

I kid you not.? I mean, if there’s one thing I know, its shakes.? And this, my friends, ? was no ordinary shake.? ? Not even close.? This was the motherload.? A virtual Behemoth in a Chili’s cup.? ? A freakin’ giant of chocolatey goodness.? That overgrown sucker seriously? must’ve weighed at? least five pounds, if not fifty.? All of which, thanks to my never-ending sweet tooth and preoccupation with the computer,? is now going to be permanently? embedded on my thighs.

I’d like to know–which Chili’s marketing genius came up with this stroke of brilliance?? Because if there’s one thing Americans surely need, it’s a 32 oz chocolate shake.? ? And if? I get? the guy’s? name, maybe I can send him? my lipo bill.

Exhibit A:? Yes, there really is a 32 oz Mega-Sized Chili’s shake (or there is when your 4 yr old asks the teenage girl working there for her phone number because he’d like to talk to her more – what up with that?)

Exhibit B:? Chili’s shake as compared to a normal sized cup (from the Target dollar bins, of course–my son likes to paint them)

Exhibit C:? Oh, look—I saved a few chocolate sprinkles and a few drops of shake. I wonder if my tongue is long enough to? nab those? calories, too?

You know, in spite of the steroid shake, everything might have been okay—if I hadn’t just horked down those five cookies after lunch.? I knew removing them from my friend’s? premises would result in acts of utter depravity and gluttony.? And yet I couldn’t resist.

Exhibit D:? Yes, I really ate five of these.? And yes, I am that pathetic.

So, I’m thinking—maybe the thing to do is start a yummy log here.? The idea being that since the concept of will power is as foreign to me as? the origins of a? Target dollar-bin goody, maybe I can shame myself into cutting back on the sugar.

So, there it is—the sad and frightening truth of my daily yummy-intake, coming soon to a blog near you.? Although I have a sinking feeling that, when? it comes to sugar, I am utterly shame-proof.

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