Horribly overdue post that’s unfortunately really lame

Posted by houndrat on Friday Feb 6, 2009 Under random stuff

Okay, I know I’ve been a big bloggy loser lately, but I promise–my blog is not defunct!? I’ve just gotten carried away working on a new manuscript.? All of my Buffy and Twilight fetishism has inspired me to write a chick lit paranormal story.? Actually, the story has been pretty much writing itself for months now–I’m just a willing slave to the computer keys.?

So far? my story is about as random as they come.? Which I’m sure is very hard to imagine if you’ve ever read my blog before (cough.)?

So, don’t worry–it’s not that Fergie has morphed into the epitome of good doggy behavior lately,? or that my husband has suddenly developed obsessive compulsive tendencies towards cleanliness. Nor did our house explode during? the extraction of the fifty foot tall Christmas tree (although it seemed that way at the time).? It’s just I’ve been busy.? I promise to get some new photos of the doggage and kiddage up soon.

Of course, soon is a relative term.

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Confessions of a Twilight junkie, part 2

Posted by houndrat on Saturday Jan 10, 2009 Under movies, random stuff

Okay, so maybe I? broke down and went to see Twilight for the third time today.? But really, can you blame a girl for needing her weekly dose of vampirey goodness?? It’s so very human of me, after all.? And all that suspense-filled romance serves to stimulate the creative portion of my brain, so in the long run, I’m really only? succumbing to temptation? for the good of my plot synopsis.? Really.? Plus, I figure I’m? simultaneously supporting our flailing economy and ensuring that the producers of Twilight get their butts in gear and get a move on that sequel.? Because even an immortal? would? agree that it? can’t come out soon enough.

See how well I can? rationalize my Twilight fanaticism?? It gets easier with practice, trust me.? The trick is trying to look at? your addiction? obsession harmless little? interest in? bronze-headed vampires? from a positive perspective.? Like, say, me believing that? the purchase of? my third ticket to the movie isn’t? really a waste of time and money, but rather, food for my inner muse.? Delicious, romance-infused food of the Edward and Bella variety.? Unfortunately, my inner muse seems to have a never-ending appetite for this particular story.? Well, that and movie popcorn, at any rate.

Besides, I’m not that far gone.? I mean, it’s not like I’ve entertained notions of kidnapping Stephenie Meyer and holding her hostage until she finishes that partial manuscript she started from Edward’s perspective.? Well, not for any extended periods of time.? And anyway, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind being a prisoner honored guest in our home for awhile.? Um, she does like large brown couch-hogging hound dogs, doesn’t she?

But you’ll be happy to know I’m practicing due diligence on my synopsis for the time being.? At least until my inner muse starts grumbling again.

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Confessions of a Twilight junkie

Posted by houndrat on Thursday Jan 8, 2009 Under movies

Okay, I so should not be writing a blog post right now.? What should I be doing?? Well, writing my plot synopsis for the Harlequin romance I started like a zillion years ago, and just recently got around to editing for submission, for one.? Yes, really–a Harlequin romance.? I know–it may sound far fetched, but I’ve been reading those suckers since grade school.? And now, the only thing that stands between me and a rejection form letter is my plot synopsis, which basically amounts to five pages of double spaced hell.

? ? But actually, I’m writing this post to save me (and my plot synopsis) from myself.? You see, like millions of other females? around the world, I’m an addict of everything Edward and Bella-related, and right now I’m desperately fending off the urge to go and see the Twilight movie for the third time in less than two weeks.? Which would be absolutely fulfilling on an I-need-my-daily-dose-of-tragic-vampire-romance level, but not so much? from an? I-really-need-to-get-my-synopsis-finished-because-it’s-not-going-write-itself? point of view.? ? But the urge is almost too deep to resist.? It’s like a crack addict knowing their next fix is just around the corner–or a vampire knowing the tastiest scent of his existence is free for the taking.? Plus, hello–there’s my own personal brand of heroin involved here–movie popcorn.? In fact, when I put it that way, I wonder if resistance is futile.? Seriously, it’s a good thing that a scenario didn’t arise where I could only obtain the rest of the Twilight saga in exchange for my firstborn, because to be honest, there’s a reasonably good chance my soul would be up for grabs right about now.? Had the scenario involved me throwing in a growling Rottie and a hound dog with a toilet paper eating fetish, well, you can come to your own conclusions.?

? I know some fans of the book hated the movie, but I don’t care.? I mean, do I think the movie is the best ever?? No.? Am I stunned by the astonishing array of special effects?? Hardly.? Do I fail to notice that the screen Bella must have an issue with dust floating into her eyes, since she blinks more than a turn signal at the world’s longest stop light?? Nope.? But honestly, it just doesn’t matter, because whatever the reason, I can’t get enough.? And now that I’ve devoured the books, in record time and on more than one occasion, the only thing left for me to do is soak up the film clips, flaws and all.? Although, to be honest, there are a lot of things to recommend the movie, at least from my perspective.? The chemistry, the score, the scenery, and the emotional intensity?? They’re all there.? So, while there are definitely a few parts I would change, the movie delivers enough of what made the book so compelling to lure this fang-free girl into the darkened theater time and time again.

? ? ? Why am I so into Twilight?? Gee–I’m not really sure.? I mean, just because my favorite series of all time, bar none, is Buffy the Vampire Slayer (as evidenced by the fact that I own every single season on DVD and know most of the lines by heart) doesn’t mean much.? And I’m sure it’s not relevant that the common thread of my other favorite TV series (Veronica Mars) along with some of my favorite movies—Dangerous Liaisons, Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black (okay, maybe some of the latter two had to do with Brad Pitt, but still)—is tragic romance.? ? I guess I’m a glutton for punishment–well, at least other people’s.? As Cordelia would say in the Buffyverse–morbid much?

? So, I think the coast is clear for the time being.? My clock now reads 12:48, and since the movie starts at 12:50, I think I’ve sucessfully fended off another attack of Edward and Bella-mania.? I’m going to have to make due with playing my old Buffy episodes in the background while I finish the darned synopsis.? Besides, there’s always youtube handy to catch a glimpse of my favorite scenes, if the bloodsucker lust becomes too strong (although? I can’t say the clip I found on Jasper and Edward being emo kids really slaked my thirst).?

? ? And, of? course,? there’s always the 3:00 showing.

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Why my womanly cyle is going to the dogs

Posted by houndrat on Wednesday Dec 31, 2008 Under dogs, family life, random stuff, Uncategorized

Okay, this is a warming upfront for any of you menfolk who get squeamish at the slightest mention of, oh, how shall I word this? Let’s try “womanly cycles”.? How’s that for vague and non-masculinity threatening?

At any rate, consider yourself forewarned, and on with my story, which happens to be about how I am so disorganized that I managed to use species-inappropriate womanly cycle devices.?

You see, recently, I just started having my womanly cycles again (somehow,? I’m finding it unbelievably amusing? to use that phrase as much as possible in this post–chalk it up to my uber-maturity).? Now, one would think with my vast experience in the womanly cycle arena, I would be beyond making mistakes of this variety.? In fact, one would think my five-year old son would be beyond making mistakes of this variety.? Okay, granted, between pregnancy and nursing, I hadn’t had a womanly cycle (how many times is that now?? four?? five?) in over two years, but really, when you think about the fact that I have over twenty years previous experience? in the womanly cycle? department, I should be familiar with the equipment that goes along with it.? I mean, how hard can it possibly be??

And yet, there I was, reaching for another, um, piece of womanly cycle paraphernalia (yes, I’m still snickering like a seventh grade boy) when I make a little discovery. Mind you, I’ve been using the items in said box for the last few days and didn’t notice anything unusual.? Possibly because my bathroom cabinets are in such a state of a disarray that I don’t know if I’m grabbing my hairbrush or a stray porcupine half the time.? But I don’t know–maybe it’s not that big of deal.? I mean, I don’t think Fergie or Skye would really care that I accidentally borrowed from their stash:

? Um, yeah.? So maybe it is a little out of the ordinary to erroneously be sticking your dog’s womanly cycle products in your undies for days without noticing.? But in my defense, notice they don’t actually put the word “dog” or “canine” on the box.? Granted, it would be a little odd to buy a box of human womanly cycle items with a picture of a Yorkie? on the front, but really, that’s just a minor detail.? Besides, advertisers are getting crazier every day–who’s to say the next Tampax commercial won’t be sporting a Labradoodle in a white dress, waxing poetic about the joys of riding the white cotton pony while playing tennis and sipping a cosmo?? Okay, now I’ve really gone and done it–my apologies to any males who are feeling completely violated right about now–I may as well piss off the feminists? while I’m at it? and blame it all on hormones.?

And actually folks, I’ve got a little secret to share—those dog products? really aren’t? half bad.?

Of course, who knows?? That could just be me growing fond of that ‘fresh from the groomers’ scent.



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Go on.? ? Flex your democratic muscle.

No, not that one.? The other one.

What I’m trying to say is, vote already.

And here’s a little? rhyme I made up, just for the occasion. Although, I warn you–poetry, so not my forte.? I’m calling it, “Get your booty on out there and vote.”? Which really should tell you a little something about the quality.? Or lack thereof.

At any rate—A-hem.? Here goes nothing:

McCain may? act as old as Mephistopheles

Palin don’t teach her kids the birds and the bees

Obama’s favorite name may be Abdul Azeez

Biden might have dabbled with the botchulin disease

But none of it matters compared to those turgid mortgage fees

So? get your? booty on? out there and vote.

Alaska and Russia may be a stone’s throw away

Hillary might be downing Haagen Dazs come election day

Obama’s story? tends to? switch every which way

Biden? unwittingly told? Graham to jump into the fray

That friggin hockey rink?? Yeah, it’s here to stay

McCain? has more Iraquis he’d like? to slay

But so what if they all suck at the end of the day?

(Besides, cheesy politicians?? It’s the American way

Although I’d vote for the Ferganator if I had my say)

Just get your booty on out there and vote.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.?

And besides, why are you wasting time reading this stupid blog anyway?? Get down with your bad democratic self.? VOTE!

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I finally did my meme

Posted by houndrat on Sunday Nov 2, 2008 Under memes, mommies, random stuff

Wow, talk about procrastination.? I was tagged by Mary at Mimi All Me to do a meme back on the 8th of October, where apparently I share 6 things about myself that nobody knows.?

But I’m thinking—if I haven’t shared these things up to this point, then most likely? it’s stuff that’s better kept secret.? I mean, does anyone really want to know that I sometimes peel off my toenails and then forget to throw them away?? (And on that note–anyone know if Ridgebacks eat keratin?? Yum.)

So, what I thought I’d do is put about ten things out there–five actually true things, and five utterly fictitious pieces of crap.? And it will be up to you to decide which one is which.? So here we go.

1.? I’ve been known to? use Depends-style undergarments at night, because there are times when you are just too lazy to leave your bed.

2.? When I go to bars, I typically like to balance at least one beer bottle on my head.? Just because I can.

3.? I often run around our house naked, even though we have large picture windows in the front.

4.? I once got sent to the Principal’s office in grade school for hopping on the students desks and croaking “ribbit” when the teacher stepped out of the room.

5.? I scored a perfect 800 on the math portion of the GRE.

6.? Tom Petty is my distant cousin.

7.? Most of my friends probably thought of me as the nerdy, studious type during college.

8.? ? I am considering homeschooling my son? during kindergarten.

9.? I often go for weeks without shaving my armpits.?

10.? I’ve strictly forbidden my husband to bring home the packages of cream-filled sandwich cookies, because I eat them all in one evening.

So, you decide which is true, and which is complete BS.? And maybe, just maybe, I’ll fill you in later on.? Of course, that’s providing I ever remember I did this in the first place.

Which leads me to—who’s supposed to be the ADHD one in this marriage again?? Because if it’s not me, I think it’s contagious.? Which is a scary prospect. I mean, there’s only room in this house for so many sets of dirty undies on our floors……And toenails, of course.

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Connor, Finley and Debra Busting Some Moves

Posted by houndrat on Wednesday Oct 15, 2008 Under random stuff
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Here’s to Jess and Torsten. And yummies.

Posted by houndrat on Sunday Sep 21, 2008 Under random stuff

In some random twist of blogosphere fate, I am now going to write a little blurb wishing a couple I have never before met a wonderful engagement.? But I figure it’s good karma, so what the heck?? Besides, I already sent in a recipe for the happy couple’s recipe box.? I figure that wishing them? joy for years to come is probably the lesser of the two randoms? than mailing a recipe to strangers involving? kale, of all things.? Jess, Torsten–I seriously hope you like your greens.

In keeping with the theme, it would be nice if I had some post-wedding advice to dispense.? I suppose I could say, “Don’t let your? beloved get so inebriated following your wedding ceremony? lest he blast punk rock music and dance on the tables of your $3500 a night suite with your best friend’s hubby, followed by passing out on the floor.”? But surely that’s common sense.? Or perhaps, “If you let your husband pick out the honeymoon unattended, don’t be surprised if you end up in a tentalo (read:? hut with outdoor plumbing) on? Molokai, instead of the five-star resort on Kaui you were expecting.”?

And since Torsten is apparently still working on his vows, might I make a suggestion?? Adding in a small line about, “I promise to pick up my undies, throw my trash in a proper receptacle, and go on late-night yummy runs for my wife without complaint, for so long as we both shall live,” will save you many future woes.

Seriously, though— Here’s to Jess and Torsten.? Best wishes for a future filled with joy and love.? And yummies.


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Letter to Meaningful Beauty and why Cindy Crawford owes me $109.95

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Aug 19, 2008 Under random stuff

Dear Meaningful Beauty:

I? regret? having to inform you that your beauty products suck.? After slathering on copious amounts of your face creams and washes for a month, I look nothing more like Cindy Crawford than I did? before I started.? In fact, I’m? reasonably certain? had I? poured? said products? on my buttocks, I would be just as close to resembling an aging yet suspiciously youthful-looking ex-supermodel.

I do, however, look exactly like someone who has drowned? her delicate facial skin in products most likely made from fish? urine and? whatever other? crap that Frenchman? on your infomercial? threw in while partying it up on? a tropical island locale.? In retrospect, I? should? be grateful my? skin is merely flaking off rather than being eaten alive by some random strain of flounder-pee? loving? bacteria.

Also, whatever gave you the impression? that after paying $29.95 for a one month supply, I would then? gladly? fork over? the bend-me-over-the-beauty-counter price of $109.95 for the second month’s supply?? Was it when I shouted “No!” when your phone salesperson asked if I would like to sign up for another month?? Or perhaps? when I screamed, “I ONLY WANT ONE MONTH AT $29.95 AND THAT’S ALL–DON’T SIGN ME UP FOR ANY MORE!” after listening to the same salesgirl? blather on in an attempt to peddle? all sorts of other meaningless Meaningful Beauty paraphernalia.? ? By the way, I fail to see how a Meaningful Beauty bumper sticker is going to bring me that much closer to? cloning Cindy’s pouty lips.? And perhaps if your products made me look? even one iota more like Cindy Crawford than? my dog? I would happily cough up the extra COMPLETELY UNAUTHORIZED charges:

Hey Cindy?? Don’t you make enough money on? your husband’s overpriced and under-poured Sky Bar drinks?? Must you pimp? yourself like some Flavor Flav? wannabe ho? while batting your doe-like eyes and robbing Lancome and L’oreal of their hard-earned market shares?? Why don’t you just do us all a favor and start selling? your plastic surgeon’s business cards?? Because I’d sooner believe your youthful, amazingly unwrinkled skin comes from ingesting the pus? off a boil-infested toad than from the daily use of Meaningful Beauty’s skin-kill products.

Cindy Crawford

And tell me, what’s with the name?? Did you steal it straight from Engrish?? I mean, who? the heck wants? “Meaningful” Beauty, anyway?? In the future, I will happily stick with my Shallow and Vacuous beauty products, thank you very much, since they seem to actually work and don’t cost the same amount as a small home in Oklahoma.

In case of any lingering confusion, no, I do not wish to purchase another month’s supply of Meaningful Beauty.? And Cindy Crawford owes me $109.95.? The deceitful wench.

Warmest regards,


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Obviously my husband has found out about my minor little prank of listing his favorite golf driver on ebay.? And he’s actually taking it very well.? Which makes me suspicious that he has already purchased another club of Brobdingnagian proportions and price elsewhere.? Or is planning to.? So if any of you are listing golf clubs on ebay please don’t accept any bids from sdriza.?

And see that?? I didn’t totally neglect my word challenge.? Okay, maybe I have neglected it just a wee bit.? But do you have any idea how hard it is to use a word about well-shaped buttocks in polite mixed company?? Or to even pronounce one half of a monster like Brobdingnagian?? More on that later, though.? I have other loose ends to tie up here.

And we have a winner for my first ever Great Purge give-away! Instead of using the random number generator to pick the winner, I have the genius idea of telling my son to choose a number between one and ten.?

How smart am I?? Not only am I blogging and giving away random crap invaluable gift items? from around my home, I’m also teaching my son about numbers.? ? So he? ponders for a moment.? Then? goes? with? sixty-three five hundred twenty-eight.? ? Hmmm.? ? So I have him pick? again.? And? he? chooses forty-two.? Well, at least this? is a number? I? am? familiar with, but given the small number of entries, it doesn’t get me any closer to finding a winner.? Finally, in desperation I say, “Great job, Connor!”, close my eyes and punch a number on my phone.

And so semidesperatehousewifehas the good people at VTech to thank for her new Billabong dress!? May her legs remain young and de-varicosed for many moons to come.

And now on to the new item up for grabs.

I had this junk foisted upon me won these things at a Tastefully Simple-Cookie Lee party I attended about two years ago and as you can see they haven’t been worn yet.? It’s not that I don’t think they’re perfectly lovely.? But somehow crosses always remind me of my Madonna phase in high school and I’m just so not willing to revisit my fashion sense from back then.? Lest I start donning white boots and? jean mini skirts to go along with it.? And perhaps even a scrunchie or two.? ?

So here are some photos:

Sorry the second one is so blurry.? I was just trying to give you an idea of the greeness of green that? are the crystals.

So if you’re interested, leave me a comment telling me about your favorite cheesy outfit from any time period.? Mine?? Probably this hideous white ultra-mini with a black band around the waist, ultra-short black biker shorts underneath, and a black lycra midriff baring top.? Because it just wasn’t trampy enough without baring a little extra stomach.? Hopefully the 17-year-olds of this generation are making much smarter fashion selections.

The contest will be going until Friday night, at which time I will pick a winner and post a new item up for grabs!

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