Napping baby alert–disturb at your own risk

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Mar 25, 2008 Under babies, family life, naps, parenting

So, I’m sitting here, on this beautiful, sunny, warm California early-spring day, and I’m wondering something.? No, I’m not? wondering? about the musical chirping of the birds, or if we’ll have a nice summer this year, or even who’s going to win the stinkin’ Democratic nomination? (by this point, it could be my dog Fergie for all I care—she says free liver biscuits for all, by the way).?

Nor am I wondering why I can’t decide, after months of deep and profound introspection, whether my son should attend morning or afternoon preschool sessions (these days, I’m just chalking? my indecisiveness? up to a disturbing genetic defect and leaving it at that).

No, what I’m wondering on this idyllic, lovely day, is this—would I, or would I not, serve jail time for chucking the largest rock I could hoist without breaking my back? at the moron across the street’s car, which is currently blasting? music at about a billion decibels and making my entire house vibrate from his pimped out base?

What, you think that’s extreme?? Puh-lease.? Can you honestly tell me you’ve never, not once, in your entire life, ever thought about? taking a giant baseball bat and bashing some dude’s dance club on wheels into smithereens?? Or blowing it up?? With maybe just a tiny nuke?

Okay, so perhaps I am a little warped.? But I mean, come on folks.? If people could just decide to be super noisy at appropriate times, that would be one thing.? But this dude had the audacity to make that unholy racket when my baby was napping.? NAPPING, I tell you.? It’s unacceptable, unpardonable, and goes against all the laws of nature, or at least, all of the important ones.? ?

And no, it? doesn’t matter that they have no idea I’ve got a snoozing infant in here.? If they’re neighbors, they should know I have a baby.? Babies typically sleep a lot, right?? Then I think it’s perfectly reasonably to expect them to assume she’s napping 24/7, and keep their stinkin’ speakers on permanent mute.? ? Or at the very least, keep them? at the level at which you would play a Barry Manilow song when your big rocker brother is home (and you don’t? aren’t craving a? good ass-kickin’? every day for the rest of your natural born existence).?

Let’s face it—when she’s napping, the chirping birds alone make me long for a good? pellet gun.? You can only imagine the kinds of cravings shaking walls bring on.? Okay, so maybe my urges don’t really necessitate nuclear weapons and bludgeoning (at least on really good days).? ? But they do involve flaming poo bags and upholstery.? Or (on really bad days), a smallish bazooka.

Heck, I’ll ‘fess up.? When my daughter is tucked away in her crib catching up on some zzz’s, I even want to rip the mailman a new one when he’s kind enough to bring our mail to our door.

So, I guess the moral of my story is this—Nobody messes with my? napping baby.? ?

Oh yeah—and if think you’re gonna pump up the volume around my ‘hood, you’d better sheath that ride in stink-proof armor.

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Baby Breakthough!

Posted by houndrat on Saturday Mar 8, 2008 Under babies, family life, naps, parenting

Why am I jumping up and down with glee?? Because together, my miraculous, wonderful, brilliant daughter and I finally mastered the most? crucial of developmental milestones.? The grandaddy of them all.? The motherload.

For all you newbies out there—no, I’m not talking about walking, talking, or feeding herself.? Why on earth would I be excited about any of those?? Let’s see—walking?? Hmmm, I get to child-proof my home and follow her around hoping she doesn’t bonk her head every other minute.? Or knock over knick-knacks (except we got rid of all those with baby number one).? Or eat toilet paper holders? (no, wait, that’s Fergie, my chewing-challeged Ridgeback puppy).? Talking?? I figure the sooner they talk, the sooner I get to hear “No! No!? No!” and “Mine! Mine! Mine!”? As for feeding themselves—well, maybe you need a little more laundry to do, but my basket is full, thank you very much.?

So what AM I referring to?? Why, the baby transfer, of course!? In case you newbies still aren’t catching on, let me enlighten you—the baby transfer is one of the single most? life-altering skills? you? and your child? can achieve within the first few months.

Oh, it sounds simple enough–you take one sleeping baby from Point A (their car seat), and deposit the same sleeping baby at Point B (their crib/your bed/any designated nap spot).? But in reality, it’s about as simple as solving nuclear physics problems.? After going on a bender involving multiple tequila shots.? And some Boone’s Farm.

See, the key term involved here is “sleeping”.? Obviously, any? fool with a pair of arms? can transfer a baby from their car seat to the crib.? But when you add the “sleeping” requirement?? Then it’s a whole? ‘nuther ball game.? And trust me–you don’t want to fumble this one.

So? big deal if your? baby can’t transfer, you say?? Let me go over the options, oh-short-sighted-one.? If your baby never learns this amazing feat, then you are destined to one of two things:? a) a home-bound existence, because your baby becomes so cranky from missing naps that you end up agoraphobic and never leave your house again, except in the rare event of a large? alien invasion? or phone call from Brad Pitt inviting you to run away with him? or b) spending upwards of ten hours each week just sitting in or next to your idling car, twiddling your thumbs and? being forced to listen to “soundscapes” on infinite repeat? while your baby snoozes in the backseat.

So, unless you want to be parking your happy hiney in the driveway next to your? dozing child for hours on end, on a daily basis, until your kid finally gives up their nap (mine is four and still napping, if that’s helpful), then let me assure you, this is the milestone you don’t want to miss.? ? Really.

And that’s why I’m jumping for joy.?

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My baby is part of a conspiracy

Posted by houndrat on Thursday Dec 27, 2007 Under babies, naps

My baby is part of a conspiracy.? Seriously.? The goal of the conspiracy?? For me to never, ever nap again.? Ever.

I know what you’re thinking.? Not napping is completely normal when you have a baby, right?? Some babies are just fussy, want to be held all the time, have extra needs.? But, see, that’s not the case with my little Finley.

I know, I shouldn’t complain.? I have a wonderful baby.? Really, she’s great.? What you would call, for the most part, an easy baby.? ? I mean, what mom in their right mind would complain about a baby that started sleeping 8-9 hour stretches at night at 6 weeks old?? In fact, my little one goes to bed before 6 p.m., gets fed once before I go to bed, then isn’t up again until 6:00 in the morning.? In fact, it’s almost like we don’t even have a new baby at night.? It’s like she’s beamed up at sun-down and then beamed back at sun-up.?

So,? I know what you’re thinking now.? You’re thinking, this baby sleeps so good at night, I bet she doesn’t nap at all during the day.? Or she fusses a lot.? Or screams.? Or demands lots and lots of trains from Santa, even though she already has so many that our 3 car garage is going to be declared a train depot soon.? No wait–that’s my four year old son.

At any rate, none of the above is true.? She rarely fusses.? She take several nice naps during the day.? All in all, she is a happy, beautiful, easy baby girl.

So, why is it, that this wonderful sleeper will never, EVER take a nap when I want to nap as well?? I mean, on a typical day, she will take 3 or 4 hour plus naps, and yet, when I go to lie down and take a little snooze myself, that same nap-aholic baby decides sleep is over-rated.? Seriously, what are the odds that Finley just randomly decides not to nap on the, oh, 50 or occasions when I’ve tried to nap??

And just to rub salt in the wound—if, on any occasion, I’ve thought about napping but decided not to? chance it, knowing she won’t nap—the little turkey takes? a marathon 3 hour nap.

? I’m telling you, it’s a conspiracy.? I don’t know who, why or how, but when I find out, I’m sending Finley to their house.? So I can nap.

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