Oh Christmas Tree

Posted by houndrat on Monday Dec 8, 2008 Under Christmas trees, family life, husbands, Uncategorized

Never, ever tell a man that something? just isn’t big enough.? Never.? Because any comments on size or lack thereof? are merely going to send? him into a “bigger is better” frenzy.? I mean, let’s face it–there’s a reason our inboxes are flooded on an hourly basis with emails entitled “enlarge your penis to 100x it’s actual size!”? ? Um, ouch.

But I’m not talking just private parts, people.? I’m talking ANYTHING.? Take, for example, a simple Christmas tree, and an innocuous comment about how last year’s six foot tree wasn’t quite tall enough for our vaulted ceilings.? In the same conversation, I’m pretty sure the words “eight feet would be nice” were mentioned.? But I could be wrong.? Because hubby did not come back with an eight footer. Or even a niner.

No, he proudly proclaimed, “I got the BIGGEST ONE on the lot–what do you think?” with a goofy smile on his face.?

What I think is that the twelve foot green monstrosity dwarfs our entire living room.? And sheds like an SOB.? We’re going to have to fork over some serious cash to buy about a? billion more lights to deck it out, and that goes double for? ornaments.? Also, the tree skirt is not remotely large enough to go all the way around that sucker, and I’m afraid if? it? tips like last year’s tree in the Fergie incident,? the resulting quake will be read on the Richter scale up in San Francisco.

On the plus side, it does smell super piney–always a good thing when you’re trying to mask the not so fresh “my dog peed on the carpet while I was in Chicago for Thanksgiving” odor.? Especially? when you just? hosted Bunco at your house.? And regrettably, the theme? was “holiday pajama party”, not “boarding kennel brouhaha”, so eau de doggy bladder would most likely not have been a big hit.

But the biggest problem? I’m having with the giant? Christmas tree?? Well, I can’t think of anything that rhymes with “ginormous”.? See, I tend to make up little ditties all the time in my head, and this one, if you’ll pardon the pun, is stumping me.?

So pretty please–if you can come up with a second line for “Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, why are you so gi-normous?”—my brain would be eternally grateful.

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Fergie and the Christmas tree

Posted by houndrat on Thursday Jan 10, 2008 Under Christmas trees, dogs, kids

So what if I’m? writing about? a Christmas incident? in the? middle of? January.? I’ve already admitted I’m a procrastinator, right?

Anyway—pretend it’s the morning of Christmas Eve.? My mom and dad are in town, and my sister and her boyfriend are getting ready to come over.? For once, I’ve actually taken my time to really place the ornaments nicely and make the tree look good, instead of just throwing them up there willy nilly.

My husband is downstairs in the living room/play room? (where the tree is), with my 4 yr old son and my 3 month old daughter.? I’m getting ready to take Fergie, our energetic 14 month old Ridgeback puppy, outside from her kennel upstairs.? Since the baby is on the floor and I don’t want her to be pulverized just yet, I make the rational decision to get a leash for Fergie.? Of course, I can’t locate a collar, and being that I’m 1) unorganized, and know it will take me a good 15 minutes to locate one in the disaster area we call home and 2) am too lazy to spend said 15 minutes in search of one, I make the less rational decision to just slip the metal clip through the hand hole on the leash and form a make-shift collar.?

Do I know this a bad idea?? Certainly.? Does it stop me?? Unfortunately, no.

As you might predict, halfway down the stairs, Fergie is pulling so hard that I let go of the leash.? What you might not have predicted in a million years, though, is that the little metal clip bounces off our wood floor, ricochets, and not only lands on the Christmas tree but gets completely snagged there.?

Fergie, is, as usual, completely oblivious, and rushes around the corner.? I watch in horror as the Christmas tree follows her, falling completely over and narrowly missing her, my husband, and my baby. Ornaments go airborne and fly to all corners of the room, along with a plethora of pine needles.? And? there’s Fergie, still attached, who? could care less that she is now a giant make-shift tree ornament, and continues to wiggle with excitement, further tangling her leash.

Unbelievably, only one ornament broke.? It was, of course,? the most expensive ornament on the tree, a Radko collectable, but in light of what could have happened, I guess I can’t complain too much.? (The fact that it was also an ornament featuring Santa, the earth, and animals, proceeds of which benefited an environmental group, makes me think it was bad karma for us buying a dead tree to begin with, but that’s another story…..)

The tree, alas, never quite looked the same afterwards.? And that is why you should just slop those ornaments on your tree when you live with Ridgebacks.

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Every year, my husband and I make New Year’s resolutions to get organized and stop procrastinating.? ? Every year,? my husband and I? know we’ve failed miserably by February.? ? How?? By the fact? that? the friggin’ Christmas tree is? still creating a massive fire hazard in our living room come Valentine’s Day.? Seriously.?

Being (mostly) environmentally friendly people, we actually tried the live tree thing our first year in a new house.? Our son had just been born, and we got all teary-eyed thinking how great it would be for him to have his own Christmas tree in the backyard, commemorating the wonder of his birth.

Bad idea.? Aapparently, you have to actually plant the darn? things before July.? Go figure.?

And not having a Christmas tree is just not an option in our home, with our son.? Why not try a fake one, you ask?? Are you kidding?? The only reason the tree ever exits our house at all? is because after awhile, the dead pine needles start molting.? If we had a fake one, I can only imagine it would become a year-long fixture.? Tempting as that is, we just don’t have the space for it.? We’ve got a myriad of other random assorted crap to strew over the floor, you know.

In case I haven’t made my point yet—it? is a bad, bad thing to be a procrastinator and unorganized.?

However, when both you AND your husband are equally cursed with both of these traits, you are basically as screwed as if a tornado had taken up permanent residence inside your home.

Think I’m joking?? Well, the policeman sure didn’t, even though I tried to explain to him that we really MEANT to renew our registration, but we 1) didn’t open the notice? until too late and 2) then couldn’t find it again once we opened it, in the sea of assorted papers that is our counter.

? Seriously, ladies, heed my advice.? If you are single and unorganized, then start looking for datable men who work at places like the Container Store, or better yet, cast members from Clean Sweep.? A procrastinator?? Go find yourself? a CPA hottie.? Because,? honestly folks,? this is not something you want to double up on in? your gene pool.

This year, however, we have made serious progress.? The Christmas tree actually made it to the curb in time for the trash man to take it.? ? This is the first time since my husband and I have owned a home that he hasn’t had to sneak around in the middle of the night in the slightly illegal endeavor (whatever that means) of dumping the tree in an empty dumpster at the nearby junior college (hey, the benefits of college have far exceeded my expectations now) because we missed the tree pick-up dates by a mile.?

The fact that we are actually? truly excited by this milestone shows how pathetic we really are.

Of course, in the process of exiting our home, the tree shed needles like a flock of Samoyeds shed hair, all across our living room.? Hmmm, might have something to do with the fact that neither of us remembered to put water in the little holder thingy?

At any rate, my husband, upon re-entering our house, gives the mess a cursory glance and says, “I’ll clean it up”.? That was on Tuesday.? It’s now Friday.? Is the mess still there?? You bet.? In fact, I imagine those pine needles will still be rotting away there come December, waiting to? greet the next Christmas tree.? ?

Aw, the circle of life.?

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