Well, I know I’ve been MIA for a long time, but yes, I’m still alive. Barely. At least, that’s how it feels right now, because I’m pretty sure I’ve hacked up all but the deepest layers of my lung cells. Stinking cough. If it weren’t in such poor taste, I’d be tempted to be overheard mumbling TB in public, just to see the horrified reactions. You know, come to think of it, that might nab me some prime real estate at Starbuck’s….
But, believe it or not, I’m not actually posting for the first time in eons to talk about The Cough That Tried to Eject My Lungs into the Next Galaxy. Instead, I want to talk about cheerful stuff. The holidays are coming up, and everyone is running around, trying to score perfect gifts for that certain someone. And it made me wonder….what if that certain someone was one of our favorite YA characters? What would we be purchasing for them?
After careful consideration, I made up this handy list of what a few YA characters could really use to bring in the New Year.
Edward: An economy-sized bottle of shampoo and a membership to the local spray-tanning salon. Because he’s lucky the glare off his chest during the fountain scene in New Moon didn’t blind Bella for life.
*If it had been pre-Breaking Dawn, then I would have suggested one of those Bop It toys. For one, to help him alleviate all that sexual frustration that must have accrued over the past 109 yrs, and for two—just because I think he would look hilarious holding one in his sparklerific hands. But post-Breaking Dawn? Probably an indestructible pillow instead. I mean, all those feathers flying around can’t be sanitary.
Bella: A lifetime’s supply of therapy. Hey, trust me—remembering a regular episiotomy is bad enough. Remembering an episiotomy performed by your own predatory newborn? So not okay. And also, a Bedazzler. So her skin doesn’t out-sparkle her shirt.
Jacob: A year’s supply of t-shirts. Dude must have fallen on some pretty hard times in New Moon and Eclipse to only to be able to afford pants. Also, Chuck E Cheese token. You know, for his girlfriend.
Adrian from Vampire Academy: The patch, a sponsor for AA, and P90X. I love you, buddy, but seriously, getting off your pampered butt and doing a little exercise once in awhile would work wonders for your spirit-inflicted pity party.
Katniss: A year-long trip to the spa. Seriously, can you think of anyone more tightly wound than her?
Peeta: A copy of this book below to read while Katniss is deciding between the raw sugar scrub and the glitter pedicure.
Zoey Redbird from House of Night: A link to urban dictionary. Because there comes a point when, after being stalked by giant birdmen, juggling several guys, some of them evil, and finding out your favorite teacher wants to wipe out humanity, “poopy-face” just no longer cuts it as a curse.
Gale: An infinite-repeat recording of old New Kids on the Block, Debbie Gibson, and the Wonder Pets and Dora theme songs. And a little visit from Krampus. Because poopy-face actually works for him in the last book. Oh, and LONG LIVE TEAM PEETA!
So there you have it, my YA holiday gift wrap-up! Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments–I’d love to hear from you!Share on Facebook