Okay, so I’m the first to admit it—I *enjoyed* the Twilight series. I did. In fact, I sucked those babies down faster than a shop vac sucks down your kid’s favorite toy (Seriously, have you used one of those things before? I thought it was going to take my arm). And, if I had a teenage daughter, I would totally let her read them. But, only after she read a letter first. One that went something like this.

Dear Daughter:

I have every faith that I raised you to be a strong, independent thinker with a sensible head on your shoulders. But sometimes, reading about sparkly, bronze-haired vamps named Edward Cullen can screw with the best of us. They tend to melt our brains into a smooshy, non-think-y type substance, and sadly, smooshy brains and teenagers don’t mix. Really, there are many lessons to be learned from these novels, if we just approach them the right way. So before you embark on this momentous journey known as Sparkly Vamps are Da Bomb aka Twilight, I’ve made you a little list of things to consider when dealing with boys. We’ll call it How Not to Pull a Bella Swan.

I know he wants to eat me, but oohhh...shiny!

I know he wants to eat me, but oohhh...shiny!

1) Under no circumstances can a dude “sleep over” in your room—I don’t care if he’s 15 or 150. Besides, old guys have to get up to pee a lot—not conducive to quality snoozing.

2) If a guy tells you he’s spied on you repeatedly while you sleep, you MUST. TELL. ME. AT. ONCE. And we WILL. CALL. THE. COPS. Sleep spying = bad, and they’ve got laws against that kind of pervy-ness. P.S. Don’t let the guy off the hook if he claims to be a vampire. Please. That’s actually extra bad, bc then he’s probably wondering if you’ll go best with a Sam Adams or a nice Chianti.

3) It’s okay to be depressed following a breakup, but do not, under any circumstances, collapse in the woods, curl into the fetal position, and wait for hypothermia and/or rabid squirrels to tear into your wilted body. Also, acting like you’re the sole survivor of a nuclear attack for 6 months? Not gonna fly. Seriously, kid, didn’t I raise you to know you don’t need a dude to be happy? You’re killing me.

4) If you crash your motorcycle—or any other motorized vehicle that can kill you in a heartbeat—just to get in touch with your ex’s voice, I’m taking you on a little trip to a padded cell. Just sayin’.

5) If a guy tells you yours is the only mind he can’t read, tell him, OMG! You can read everyone else’s mind, too, but not his! That’ll teach him to use such a pathetic pick-up line. I mean, seriously, what happened to the classics, like “those pants would look great on my floor?”

6) Avoid guys who never ever eat like the plague. They’re probably crackheads, and at the very least, they’ll make you feel weird on dinner dates.

7) If a guy sparkles in the sunlight, it probably means he’s wearing body glitter. Watch closely to make sure he’s not checking out other dudes. And, not that I’m dying for you to jump into the sack in high school, but combine the glitter with a complete lack of interest in getting past first base, and seriously—there’s a 95.89435% chance he’s toting a big ol’ torch for Zac Efron.

Mr. Sparkles-A-Lot

Mr. Sparkles-A-Lot

8) There is never, under any circumstances, a time when it’s okay to go out-of-state without my knowledge. Ever. I will ground you until your liver is too old to process alcohol and your uterus too old to process children.

9) If a guy tells you you’re his brand of heroin, he’s either a) a heroin addict b) a nutter c) both. Run. Very fast.

10) For God’s sake, don’t go to prom planning on asking your date to kill you. I’ll have to lock you in your room until summer break starts—once the anti-psychotics have a chance to kick in. Besides, I paid a fortune for that prom dress, kid. If you bloody it all up, I’ll be tempted to kill you myself.

11) And a bonus one in case you watch the movie. Don’t blink all the time. People will think you’re trying to keep those crusty eye snots from gluing your eyelashes together.

So, see?? With a little creativity, anything can be a teaching experience. Feel free to leave any additions to my letter in the comments! Oh, and just because I’m beyond random:

Hound dog, you're my brand of heroin

Hound dog, you're my brand of heroin

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45 Responses to “Letter to my teenage daughter about Twilight, aka: how not to pull a Bella Swan”

  1. Kate Says:

    Dear Deb,
    You are batshit insane. I like that in a girl.
    Love,
    Kate

  2. T.H. Mafi Says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

    I’M DYING.
    DYINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

    ALSO: i am now fully obsessed with you.
    there’s no turning back.

    GENIUS my friend.

    <3333333333

  3. L.S. Says:

    Trying not to burst out laughing in public here. This is amazing!

  4. Abigail Says:

    I thought number seven was best.

  5. ChristaCarol Says:

    Brilliant. But sorry, no one else is allowed to take up position as Houndie’s stalker. That’s my job :D

    I love #4 ze’ best!

  6. Akin Says:

    hahahaha! She probably wouldn’t take any of these warnings to heart, cos her brain would be smosh and when that happens … well, you’ve seen the average teenage twilight fan, right? It’s like trying to fight off a zombie infection after you’ve been bitten. Ain’t happening lol!

  7. Tracey Says:

    Bwahahaha! That was awesome!

  8. JennW Says:

    Oh Deb, how I love you. This was great!

  9. Kaitlin Says:

    LOL
    You are awesome.
    I laughed enough that both the dog and the baby gave me odd looks.

  10. Amanda Says:

    Oh my gosh, I love you. lmao This is awesome!

  11. Kath Says:

    That picture is so much win.

  12. Becca Cooper Says:

    LAWWL!! That’s amazing! Absolutely amazing! :D

  13. Krista Ashe Says:

    LMAO, this is freakin’ awesome! You should so submit this to Twitarded!

  14. Heather Says:

    I am printing this out to share with my daughter when she’s.. ummm… older. :)

    DAYUM girl – you are made of hilarious.

  15. Shveta Thakrar Says:

    Deb, I love you so much. That is all.

    And that picture has to be your author photo. You know that. ;)

  16. Regan Leigh Says:

    I. Love. This. :D

  17. Annie Says:

    BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PRICELESS!!!!!

  18. Jennifer (Herb) Says:

    Awesome. I will use this idea before my daughter reads Twilight. She asks why she can’t read it. I tell her she needs to understand healthy relationships first. And srsly, Edward shoulda run just as fast from her.

  19. Becca Says:

    LMFAO!!!

    /dies

  20. Sage Says:

    Haha, this was awesome. I love when the people who love Twilight give other people who love Twilight a reality check.

  21. Susan Says:

    I am new to your blog and may now be addicted. You are hilarious! I’m definately gonna have to have my twihard step-daughter read this. She’ll love it!

  22. Amanda Hannah Says:

    This is. . . well, frankly it’s genius. I’m laughing so hard right now.

  23. Dawn Says:

    LOL. I’m printing that off right now and putting it on my teenager’s pillow tonight. Although I also *enjoyed* the Twilight series, I’ve often lamented about Bella’s boy-crazy ways. Thanks for the laugh.

  24. Karla Nellenbach Says:

    bwahahahaha!!! too funny…but sadly it’s true! I loved the Twilight books too, but I can’t help but cringe when I think of all the needy things Bella does in the pursuit of her sparkly Zac Efron chaser… :)

  25. kim Says:

    Love this, a keeper, I’m laughing hard!!!

  26. Natalie @ Perrys' Plate Says:

    I was sucked in, too… but then quickly annoyed. I love this post. It puts that silly story into perspective :)

  27. Remilda Graystone Says:

    This post is made of WINNN!!

  28. wendiwinn Says:

    i think you’re the best. but also. i wish i had come up with this list so i could think that i was the best.

  29. Monica Says:

    Natalie recommended I read this…it’s hilarious! I hope you don’t mind me sharing. :D

  30. Jamie Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God help me, I think I’ve already got Bella at 8. And prom dresses are certainly NOT made for blood! Not that my MC in my ms gets her prom dress all bloody or anything… I wouldn’t do that to Bella…er…Lauren.

  31. Moira Young Says:

    Brilliant. I am *so* filing this away for when I have kids.

  32. Tamzin Says:

    Is it just me or all these points simple common sense? Wait … I will take a moment to torture myself and cast back to my years as teenage girl … shudder. I am SO glad I’m well beyond that hell … I’m sending this to a friend who has 3 girls in and approaching the teen years – she will print it out and frame it I’m sure!

  33. Jen Says:

    Aw, wisdom for the ages. You tell those teens the way it should be.

    I’d also like to add: If you’re 15, and the guy is over 80, he’s a creepy pedo and you should run away screaming and call the cops. Seriously. At least wait until you’re 18, ya?

  34. Adine Says:

    Honestly I don’t understand the appeal to the vampire – poor choice when standing next to the super ripped werewolf – if you’re going to make a stupid decision, make it memorable and NOT permanent

  35. Linnea Verity Says:

    Hey! I enjoy your website but I’m having problems getting it to render correctly in the Nautilus browser. You might want to check your css stylesheet. Rock on! :)

  36. Leah Says:

    *dies*
    *is revived by teh sparkliez*
    *dies again*
    You. Are. My. Hero.

  37. Heidi Says:

    only from the mind of genius Debra…

  38. Ink Says:

    God, this cracked me up. BRILLIANT :D

  39. Vicki Tremper Says:

    OMG. You. Are. Too. Funny.

  40. Kitty Says:

    *Dies of laughter*

    You are hilarious!

  41. Kristin Says:

    I pretty much love you for this.

    Also, your future daughter is going to be a badass.

  42. Olga Says:

    Ya know, I’m nowhere near having kids yet, but I should print this out anyway….just in case…

    Thank goodness for Twitter!! <3

  43. Tashy Says:

    hahahah…. omg im dying!!!!! im a teenage(ish… im getting there!) girl who was obbsesed w twilight 2, but bella always was annoying and stupid & 2 clumsy. believe me, i no wat 2 clumsy is… hahah, but i was lol-ing from this! this is genius!!!!! ahhh…. luv it!!!!! <3 it!!!! seriously, <3 da pic 2….. :D but anyway, hate bella, shes stupid, & evey time im tempted 2 follow a dangerous guy, im gonna come her lmoa, then tell him adios!!!!

  44. Katy Upperman Says:

    This is hysterical! My daughter’s only four, but I’ll definitely be making a note of these oh-so-important life lessons to instill in her as she matures. Thank you!

  45. haris Says:

    nice i like this one

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