Teaser Tuesday–I’m Not an Addict
Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Mar 2, 2010 Under writingSo this is yet ANOTHER WIP, in first person present (who said FPP was addicting? Who? Who? Curse you, whoever you are–you were so RIGHT! 
I’m going to have to pick one and stick with it soon because I’m afraid the voices are starting to sound too similar.
It’s fairly rough, so bear with me. This story is about a girl who used to have everything together, a girl who was totally under her parents’ control. And then one day she exploded. This isn’t from the beginning, but somewhere in first third.
“Where’s Jake?” I stumble into the table and hit my hip, almost drop my beer. No pain. No pain, no gain. I giggle, even though I have no idea why that’s funny. The laughter freezes in my throat a second later, though. My hip might not hurt, but inside, I’m dying for a fix. Just a little something to boost me back up. No big deal. Anything will do, anything at all. I’m not picky these days.
Sarah laughs and tries to bounce a quarter into a cup. “You’re so obvious. Jake had to bail for awhile. Jones is here, though—in the bedroom. He can hook you up for a price.”
A price? Shit. I drain the beer in my cup, but it’s doing nothing for me, not anymore. I might as well be drinking Evian. “I’m broke. Will he take an IOU?”
Sarah’s laughter explodes like a bullhorn this time, forceful and way too loud. I wince as the sound splinters in my ears. “You’re shitting me, right?” she says.
Am I? I don’t think so. Maybe I’m missing something here, but I’m too restless to figure it out. I jiggle the cup on the table, jiggle my leg. I can’t stop moving.
Sarah sighs. “Just go back there. I’m sure you can work something out.”
Joy blooms in my chest. Work it out, that’s it. I’ll work it out. As I turn to leave, Delissa collars my wrist with her hand, throws an angry look at Sarah. “Hey, that’s not cool—the girl is wasted. Look, Kaylin, I think you should just wait here for Jake. He’ll be back soon.”
Yeah, but that’s the thing—I’m not wasted. Not wasted enough. I jerk free and stumble away in search of Jones.
Past the group of guys smoking in the family room. Past the couple making out in the hall. The closer I get to the bedroom, the faster my heart beats. Anticipation curls my fingers, writhes likes frantic worms in my gut. I’m almost there. It takes three or four grabs for the doorknob before I finally manage to turn it.
And I’m in.
Pirates...
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:18 am
I LOVE first person present. I’ve only tackled it in a short story though. Great teaser.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:25 am
Oh God, I dread to think past the door, but at the same time I want to know more!!! Great Teaser.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:06 am
Very on target for a girl needing a ‘fix’. You nailed it. It was very visual and makes me want to read more!!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:41 am
I love this! So much! I’m already hooked. And I can see this going so badly. I’m in love with Delissa being sober enough to say “Hey, that’s not cool—the girl is wasted. Look, Kaylin, I think you should just wait here for Jake. He’ll be back soon.”
I think the voice is great and clear and the dialogue is so teenage without being hokey.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:21 am
Well, it works for me. I am not comfortable with first person present, but you write it so well that I’m just pulled right in. Sometimes, beginners writing in this tense can come across as very self-conscious, as if they’re looking over their shoulder at the reader. It definitely isn’t the case here. This is great and very realistic. I’ve been to a few parties like this one and I’ve known more than one person like your MC. Excellent stuff, missus.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:24 am
You’re really nailing this FPP thing. This was a great scene – strong voice, plenty of tension, and sounded very real. Woohoo!
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:02 am
This is so great. I love dark, addiction-type dramas. Pick this one to work on! I so want to know more.
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:17 am
Yep, you’ve got a damn good grip on 1st present, lady. This has a very easy, confident flow to it. Well done. I’m already wincing to think what is next for this poor girl.
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:51 am
I’m honestly not a huge fan of fpp, but you totally pull it off and pull me into the story. Really enjoyed the surreal/hazy feeling of your description and your MC’s voice. Now I really want to know what came before – and what will happen once she steps through the bedroom door. Excellent teaser
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:19 am
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! It’s a keeper! This is the kind of MS I’d gobble up in a day! I heart it! The MC has some serious issues, but I still like her, and want to find out why she’s broken.
Great job!! Beta dibs!!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:38 am
VERY HOOKNG.
the voice here is amazing <3
I absolutely adore FPP and you totally nailed it here.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:46 pm
NO NO NO DON’T GO INTO THE BEDROOM!!!
Very, very good. Keep up the great work!
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:09 pm
WOW. Love these lines – “I jiggle the cup on the table, jiggle my leg. I can’t stop moving.” “Anticipation curls my fingers, writhes likes frantic worms in my gut.” Such incredible voice and fast-paced, cutting prose. You rock, Deb!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:21 pm
This is fantastic, D. You HAVE nailed FPP. I think I’m intimidated.
I haven’t the courage to try it yet. This piece was great, and yeah, I cringe at the thought of what’s going to happen next! And ROFL to your tags 
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:23 am
OMG I LOVE THIS.
The voice is killer. The dialogue–as always–is so authentic and snappy
Also, you ROCK FPP–it just flows so well! And this: “Yeah, but that’s the thing—I’m not wasted. Not wasted enough” shows amazing insight into your MC.
*loves*
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:37 am
Ooooo, I remember this from FNW!
I loved it then… and still do. I’m getting more and more used to first person present, and it works here. Awesome as usual!
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:22 am
You pulled off the fpp very well, something I havent even tried, and im sure i’ll suck at
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
*loves FPP* Also love your descriptions of the way she’s feeling. “Anticipation curls my fingers, writhes likes frantic worms in my gut. I’m almost there.” <– Great line!
March 8th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
After not liking FPP, it’s becoming my favorite voice to write. I know what you mean about addicting.
Love this piece, houndrat. I think you’ve nailed it and left it right at a cliffhanger.