Trying something new and probably failing miserably Teaser
Posted by houndrat on Monday Jan 18, 2010 Under writingSo, as I head down the homestretch on Demon Gaurd revisions, I decided to post something new for a change. This is a random snip from a story that doesn’t have much of a plot yet. Or any plot at all, really. It’s also totally different than anything I’ve written before.
Comments appreciated, as always! 
I walk through campus and take in all the buildings, the quad, the school I’ve attended for the past three years. My eyes seek a tangible clue, a scrap of evidence that things have changed.
But I find…nothing. The familiar stucco walls are still the color of butterscotch, the grass in the senior courtyard the same vibrant shade of green. Even the old oak sprawling proudly through the middle of campus appears to have the same number of leaves. The kids laughing and gossiping their way past me in huddles are talking about the same meaningless topics as always…parties, dates, homework.
I turn to cut through the corridor toward homeroom, when I spot him.
James.
My heart slams to a halt in my chest. Then, it kick-starts into an unsteady gait, like an athlete’s first limping step after an injury.
As I watch him lean into a curvy dark-haired girl, his arm loosely draped across her shoulders, I finally pinpoint what’s different. It’s not the school, or the students, or anything that I can touch. It’s my hold on James. Always tenuous at best, my slippery claim to him has faded along with the intensity of the summer sun.
I’d give just about anything to change that.
January 18th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
I want to know if she’s his ex, or if he’s her obsession! More, please.
- Julie
January 19th, 2010 at 1:18 am
I really love how your MC is viewing the world around her differently/she’s isolated… THEN notices it is because of James. It makes me wonder what has happened to get to this point and if she will ever reclaim him? Also like the athlete limping part. Such things we put our hearts through!
January 19th, 2010 at 5:33 am
I want more! I’m curious about what sort of relationship they had. Were they together and he was always a bit of a philanthropist? Did they just break up? Obsession with her best friend gone bad? Must stop now. LOL Really liked it!
January 19th, 2010 at 5:54 am
This definitely makes me curious as to what’s happened. The descriptions are lovely, heartfelt. It actually reminds me of one time in particular in college, although I would never be so eloquent with my feelings. Great job, Deb!!
January 19th, 2010 at 6:40 am
I like how the MC goes from observing her surroundings to suddenly seeing James. But I wonder, is James her ex or just some random bloke she had a crush on? If he’s her ex then, well, hey, you can’t have everything, right? I wonder what happened that broke them apart
January 19th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Say what you will, houndrat, but I really like this! Your description of your MC’s surroundings almost sound poetic and kind of made me want to read them out loud – lots of alliterations and assonances which made it great.
I really liked how the end twists expectations that initially tend towards James as her love interest, now to James as an object of obsession. More please
January 19th, 2010 at 7:32 am
i agree – this is great! i really like the set up and you instantly have me wanting more. your first person is great!
January 19th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Ooh, this sounds interesting! You’ve got a very different voice going than you do in DG, and it’s definitely working. Go for it with this!
January 19th, 2010 at 8:36 am
Very nice. Loved how the MC described the campus, almost as if she was slightly detached from it. The set up has me hooked. It’s nice to read something of yours that’s snark-free. I love your snarky stuff, but you do ’serious’ equally well.
January 19th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Ooh I really like this! Very intriguing! I love the descriptions of the campus. Is he her love interest?!
January 19th, 2010 at 8:53 am
I love this! As soon as we see James we assume, he’s a new love interest and then find out he’s actually an old one. An ex maybe? I love it! I want to know more!
January 19th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Agreed with everyone, this rolls along just perfectly. Liking the voice, liking her reaction to James, the limping athlete for her heart is a great description. Well done, more please!
January 19th, 2010 at 9:19 am
This is AWESOME. I love the vividness of her regret, and the sense of displacement. It’s great.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:50 am
This is insanely good! I feel her crushing on this James and her let down when she sees him flirting with someone else…I so want to read more.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:58 am
I really like this beginning – it’s got great voice and keeps the reader wanting more. I especially like the last few paragraphs describing james and her reaction to seeing him. Very well done!
January 19th, 2010 at 11:10 am
This is simply fantastic and intriguing! Can’t wait to read more!
January 19th, 2010 at 11:24 am
this needs a plot! and you’ve SO gotta write it! The descriptions are great and you’ve set the mood perfectly!
now… get plotting!
January 19th, 2010 at 11:36 am
I like this! I think your first person present is great. And you know what they say…once you go 1PP, you never go back.
I second JF– get plotting, dude.
January 19th, 2010 at 11:43 am
I kind of love this!! I love 1PP, and V is right, have you seen all my teasers? I can’t shake it.
Get plotting!
January 19th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Very strong, descriptive voice. Roll with it!
January 19th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Oh, very nice beginning. There’s so many different directions it could go. I look forward to seeing which way you’ll take.
January 19th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
LOVE THIS!!! Soon it’ll be on the best sellers list!!! The voice is strong with this one!!!! hehehehehehe *Hugs Demon sister*
January 19th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I am SO intrigued! It sounds great! You must do something with it!
January 19th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
I love this: “My heart slams to a halt in my chest. Then, it kick-starts into an unsteady gait, like an athlete’s first limping step after an injury.”
The voice is great! Obviously 1st POV present agrees with you.
So… what happens next??
January 19th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
You do such a good job with first person. Nice cliffhanger there at the end, too.
January 19th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
So heart-wrenching in just a short time span. Love this! Keep it coming!
January 19th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Ooh, I enjoyed the setup and the voice in this piece. Like everyone else, loved the limping athlete line. Keeping going. You’ve got a winnah.