Trying something new and probably failing miserably Teaser

Posted by houndrat on Monday Jan 18, 2010 Under writing

So, as I head down the homestretch on Demon Gaurd revisions, I decided to post something new for a change. This is a random snip from a story that doesn’t have much of a plot yet. Or any plot at all, really. It’s also totally different than anything I’ve written before.

Comments appreciated, as always! :D

I walk through campus and take in all the buildings, the quad, the school I’ve attended for the past three years. My eyes seek a tangible clue, a scrap of evidence that things have changed.

But I find…nothing. The familiar stucco walls are still the color of butterscotch, the grass in the senior courtyard the same vibrant shade of green. Even the old oak sprawling proudly through the middle of campus appears to have the same number of leaves. The kids laughing and gossiping their way past me in huddles are talking about the same meaningless topics as always…parties, dates, homework.

I turn to cut through the corridor toward homeroom, when I spot him.


My heart slams to a halt in my chest. Then, it kick-starts into an unsteady gait, like an athlete’s first limping step after an injury.

As I watch him lean into a curvy dark-haired girl, his arm loosely draped across her shoulders, I finally pinpoint what’s different. It’s not the school, or the students, or anything that I can touch. It’s my hold on James. Always tenuous at best, my slippery claim to him has faded along with the intensity of the summer sun.

I’d give just about anything to change that.

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27 Responses to “Trying something new and probably failing miserably Teaser”

  1. Julie Duck Says:

    I want to know if she’s his ex, or if he’s her obsession! More, please.

    - Julie

  2. Kathy Says:

    I really love how your MC is viewing the world around her differently/she’s isolated… THEN notices it is because of James. It makes me wonder what has happened to get to this point and if she will ever reclaim him? Also like the athlete limping part. Such things we put our hearts through!

  3. Lynkay Says:

    I want more! I’m curious about what sort of relationship they had. Were they together and he was always a bit of a philanthropist? Did they just break up? Obsession with her best friend gone bad? Must stop now. LOL Really liked it!

  4. Laura (Common) Says:

    This definitely makes me curious as to what’s happened. The descriptions are lovely, heartfelt. It actually reminds me of one time in particular in college, although I would never be so eloquent with my feelings. Great job, Deb!!

  5. Akin Says:

    I like how the MC goes from observing her surroundings to suddenly seeing James. But I wonder, is James her ex or just some random bloke she had a crush on? If he’s her ex then, well, hey, you can’t have everything, right? I wonder what happened that broke them apart

  6. Dystophil Says:

    Say what you will, houndrat, but I really like this! Your description of your MC’s surroundings almost sound poetic and kind of made me want to read them out loud – lots of alliterations and assonances which made it great.

    I really liked how the end twists expectations that initially tend towards James as her love interest, now to James as an object of obsession. More please :)

  7. JennW Says:

    i agree – this is great! i really like the set up and you instantly have me wanting more. your first person is great!

  8. Tracey Says:

    Ooh, this sounds interesting! You’ve got a very different voice going than you do in DG, and it’s definitely working. Go for it with this!

  9. sue Says:

    Very nice. Loved how the MC described the campus, almost as if she was slightly detached from it. The set up has me hooked. It’s nice to read something of yours that’s snark-free. I love your snarky stuff, but you do ‘serious’ equally well.

  10. Karla Says:

    Ooh I really like this! Very intriguing! I love the descriptions of the campus. Is he her love interest?! :D

  11. Vero Says:

    I love this! As soon as we see James we assume, he’s a new love interest and then find out he’s actually an old one. An ex maybe? I love it! I want to know more!

  12. ChristaCarol Says:

    Agreed with everyone, this rolls along just perfectly. Liking the voice, liking her reaction to James, the limping athlete for her heart is a great description. Well done, more please!

  13. sunna Says:

    This is AWESOME. I love the vividness of her regret, and the sense of displacement. It’s great.

  14. Karla Nellenbach Says:

    This is insanely good! I feel her crushing on this James and her let down when she sees him flirting with someone else…I so want to read more.

  15. Angie Says:

    I really like this beginning – it’s got great voice and keeps the reader wanting more. I especially like the last few paragraphs describing james and her reaction to seeing him. Very well done!

  16. Amanda Says:

    This is simply fantastic and intriguing! Can’t wait to read more!

  17. J.F. Posthumus Says:

    this needs a plot! and you’ve SO gotta write it! The descriptions are great and you’ve set the mood perfectly!

    now… get plotting! ;)

  18. V Says:

    I like this! I think your first person present is great. And you know what they say…once you go 1PP, you never go back.

    I second JF– get plotting, dude.

  19. Liz Page Says:

    I kind of love this!! I love 1PP, and V is right, have you seen all my teasers? I can’t shake it.
    Get plotting!

  20. CupofDice Says:

    Very strong, descriptive voice. Roll with it!

  21. Jen Says:

    Oh, very nice beginning. There’s so many different directions it could go. I look forward to seeing which way you’ll take.

  22. Paranormalchick Says:

    LOVE THIS!!! Soon it’ll be on the best sellers list!!! The voice is strong with this one!!!! hehehehehehe *Hugs Demon sister*

  23. Becca Says:

    I am SO intrigued! It sounds great! You must do something with it! :D

  24. Heather Says:

    I love this: “My heart slams to a halt in my chest. Then, it kick-starts into an unsteady gait, like an athlete’s first limping step after an injury.”

    The voice is great! Obviously 1st POV present agrees with you.

    So… what happens next??

  25. Kate Says:

    You do such a good job with first person. Nice cliffhanger there at the end, too.

  26. Becca Says:

    So heart-wrenching in just a short time span. Love this! Keep it coming!

  27. hope101 Says:

    Ooh, I enjoyed the setup and the voice in this piece. Like everyone else, loved the limping athlete line. Keeping going. You’ve got a winnah.

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