Teaser Tuesday: things you never want to see on your cell phone.

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Dec 1, 2009 Under writing

Here’s a scene I worked on in Friday Night Writes with my AW peeps awhile back.? Still needs some finessing, but I think it’s kind of fun.? Hope you enjoy!? ? :)

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? ? ? ? ? ? The second I set foot inside the cafeteria the next morning, I could feel the tension crackling in the air.? The buzz and whispers were back—and with tsunami-like force. ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I paused, inhaling slowly and forcing a smile. ? Maybe it was just my nerves. ? After all, they were understandably twitchy from my scheduled B&E debut later today. ? But then my gaze caught on a nearby table. The cluster of girls sitting there glanced up at me before consulting their cell phones and dissolving into fits of giggles. ? Great. Something was definitely up, and whatever it was? ? Not really doing much to xanax my whole jittery thing.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I stalked over to where Cody was slamming his own cell phone shut and flung my backpack on the table.? “Let’s see it,” I said, thrusting out my hand.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He tried to push the phone into his pocket, but I grabbed his wrist. His cheeks flamed; he looked like a kid who’d just been caught reading porn by his mom.? “Look, why don’t you just let this go?” he said.? “I think you’ll feel better if—Hey!”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I wrestled the phone out of his grasp and flipped it on.? “Give me a break.? I’m going to see whatever’s making everyone act all freaky sooner or later.? Let’s just get it over with.”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He hesitated with his hand hovering over mine, but one look into my determined eyes and he caved.? “Fine.? But don’t say I didn’t warn you.? Here.”? He pressed a few buttons.? Seconds later, a photo popped up.?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The identity of the couple on the tiny screen didn’t register right away—only that the girl’s skirt was pushed up to her waist while her bare legs were wrapped around a guy’s back.? A naked guy.? “What the heck…?” It was then I started noticing the details.? The silver go-go boots, the white tube top. ? The red hair.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? My mouth gaped open, and my heart froze in my chest. Holy shit—it was porn. Only somehow, I was the freaking star.

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26 Responses to “Teaser Tuesday: things you never want to see on your cell phone.”

  1. sue Says:

    hahahaha!!! Brilliant! Want more!!
    I love how you’ve captured that horrible, cliquey awfulness of high school.

  2. Kaitlin Says:

    omg what a nightmare! I really enjoy your writing.

  3. Kristin Says:

    Uh-oh… Lol.

  4. Tracey Says:

    I’m cringing. You nail high school nastiness so well it’s freaky. Awesome!

  5. CommonReactor Says:

    I’ve read this and have told you this before, but I LOVE Summer’s voice. She’s so funny, and this scene was mortifying! I could feel it the whole time I read.

  6. Laurie Says:

    Ah, you are so good. I love Summer. She is so ostracized but still so awesome. I can’t wait to read DG!

  7. sunna Says:

    BWAHAHA! What a fabulous peek at what’s up ahead! And I am loving that you’ve made xanax a verb.

  8. Lee Says:

    Great teaser! I could almost see everyone glancing at her, then at their phones again snickering.

  9. Gretchen Says:

    You definitely nailed the mood of the piece! Great scene, great voice – so completely authentic. The different tenses here – “The whispers and buzz” – threw me alittle, but it’s really not a big deal. Awesome scene!

  10. houndrat Says:

    Aw, thanks Blondie! I’ll check out what you mentioned and see if I can make it flow better, too–thank you, ma’am! You know I love my crits! :)

  11. houndrat Says:

    Okay, removed the part of the line with “had” and just shortened it–hopefully it works better! :)

  12. ChristaCarol Says:

    This is great, so high school, love it. Poor Summer. And the way it’s written in the end makes me wonder if there is photo shopping going on, she’d been drugged, or she just wasn’t ready to admit to herself she’d done something like this lol. Great piece.

  13. Vero Says:

    I love Summer and I love this scene! Great work!

  14. Cory Says:

    Awesome! I love that you made xanax a verb.

  15. Sumayyah Says:

    I love this! The build up to her getting the phone is so tense. I cringed when she walked into the cafeteria – I could feel her being watched. O.O Awesome job :)

  16. DH Kuypers Says:

    Yes, that would be mortifying! Great writing, by the way. I was hooked from the start.

  17. Leah Says:

    Oh, I could just feel the embarrassment from reading this. Your poor MC!

  18. Kate Says:

    *sigh* Poor Summer. Looking forward to finding out what happens to her.

  19. Becca Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That would totally suck!! Great teaser!

  20. JennW Says:

    This is great. Wahat a punch at the end. I totally want to read more. The voice, flow and dialogue are great here. They really move well. The only word that jumped out at me was “hastily.” For some reason my eye caught on it and it tripped me up. I love the “xanax my jittery” line. Great description.

  21. Paranormalchick Says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVED this! No I most def wouldn’t want that on my cell phone!!

  22. colbymarshall1 Says:

    Whoa! Didn’t see that one coming! (heehee no pun intended ;-) ) Lot’s of fun!

  23. Niyrak Says:

    That’s GOT to suck! I’m anxious to know what her reaction is…and her retaliation.

  24. Amna Says:

    LOL!

    My mouth dropped open when I read it!

  25. Karla Says:

    Oh man! This was a fun read! Poor Summer!

  26. Shveta Says:

    Really, really great, Houndie! *can’t wait to find out what happens next*

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