Cut parking lot scene from Demon Guard
Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Nov 24, 2009 Under writingOkay, so today I’m posting a cut scene from Demon Guard. I actually ended up going in a whole different direction with the plot. I hadn’t even remembered it until about two hours ago, when I dug it up in all it’s unedited glory. I did spend some time trying to revise it a bit– because, hey, how else was I going to procrastinate working on REAL scenes?–but it’s still mighty rough-ish. Maybe I can find a home for it in my sequel. *snicker* Hey, a girl can dream, right?
Anyway, here’s the set-up. Summer (the MC’s) old friends Kat and Allie go to spike demons in a parking lot to join the Academy, only–they’re not the meek little Stage Ones they’re supposed to be. Rather, it’s an ambush, with three fully embodied demons waiting to attack. Kat and Allie are captured. Summer and her friends Cody and Shade try to fend them off and save the girls, but will their efforts be enough? Read on:
When I was only a few feet away, I tossed my spike to Cody, who immediately feinted left. The demon followed the spike with hate-filled eyes.
It was all the opportunity I needed. I launched forward, whipping my leg around when I got within striking distance to do a foot sweep. Whack! I caught the demon above the ankle, with just enough force to make him stumble. As he toppled forward, his grip on Kat loosened, and Cody jumped him from behind. The spike glinted in the sun as it arched to pierce the demon’s skull. His scream rent the air while he tumbled to gritty asphalt, Cody clinging to his back, Kat crashing down beside them. I rolled and grabbed her around the waist, hoisting us both to our feet so we could leap back and out of danger.
Several yards away, Shade wrestled the lone demon into a headlock. His spike flashed. Then, he hefted up the demon and tossed it good twenty feet across the parking lot. I felt my jaw go slack. What the hell? But I didn’t have time to ponder that physical impossibility. We had a third demon to take down.
The remaining demon’s brawny arm still circled Allie’s neck, her feet dangling a foot off the ground. Her ragged gasps for air grew weaker. I raced toward her and, out of the corner of my eye, saw Shade do the same. But even though I was sprinting, I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Like I was trying to force my way through hip-deep sand. My heart thumped in time with my footsteps as I struggled to reach her in time.
The demon gripped Allie on one side of her chin. Metallic fear coated my mouth while a scream of terror echoed through the parking lot.
Mine.
Allie’s tear-filled eyes pleaded with me. My body responded, and a new burst of strength powered me forward. But I was too far. Too late. Helpless to do anything other than watch.
A quick jerk of the demon’s wrist. A crunch of snapping neck . “NOOOO!” The tortured howl burst from somewhere deep within me. Allie’s eyes flickered once, twice—and then their light dimmed to a sightless stare. Seconds later, her limp body slumped in a heap at the demon’s feet.
Everything after that was a blur. I dove for Allie’s body while Shade tackled the last demon. I shook her, laying my head over her chest to see if any air was going in. Nothing. Utter stillness. Tears filled my eyes, even though I’d known before I checked it was futile.
People with broken necks didn’t breathe.
As I laid there with my cheek still pressed to her chest, the warmth of her body felt both familiar and cruel. I caught Kat’s horrified gaze from across the lot. Fuzzy little black dots danced in front of her face. I prayed for darkness to take me, to give me a brief respite from the pain crushing my heart. But fate had no such kindness in store. Though the parking lot wavered like a mirage, it never disappeared entirely.
Neither did the body of the dead friend cradled in my arms.
November 24th, 2009 at 8:24 am
You cut this?! This was heart-poundingly exciting! Wow! And, the ending was so painful. I don’t even know your characters and my heart dropped into my stomach.
Great writing! I’m getting you to help me with my action scenes later on!
November 24th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I envy your action describing skills.
November 24th, 2009 at 8:48 am
This. Is. Awesome.
I <33 action scenes!!! I feel so bad for Allie.
*cries*
November 24th, 2009 at 9:02 am
umm wow, you’re going to have to find somewhere for this scene! It’s just way too intense not to use!
Love it!
November 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am
SO good! Great job on the action, too. I hope you can find a home for it, it’s a great scene.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:38 am
WOW!! This is so good! My heart was pounding. I can’t wait to read more DG!! Thanks for sending ch 7!
November 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
um…why did you cut this? *smacks wrist*
Very nice. Not only do you do snarky very well, you do action well too. This was very ‘cinematic’. I could visualize the scene as clearly as if I was watching it at the movies.
Well done.
November 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am
OMG – Why did you cut this. You action is great here!
November 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I love the action here! Why, oh why did you cut this?!
Lol! If this is on the cutting room floor, I wonder how amazing are the things you actually kept!
November 24th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I’m with everyone else here… Just WHY did you cut this? huh???? this is too good to not use!!!!
The action is great, it’s written like a scene from a movie, and you even have it tugging at the heartstrings!!!! you’ve GOT to use this SOMEWHERE someHOW!!!!!
did I mention I like it?
November 24th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Good lord, it must have hurt a lot to kill this darling. I’m with Sue, this was wonderfully cinematic.
November 24th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
You CUT this??? But it made me cry… Poor Allie
November 24th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Awwww . . . why are you cutting this? It’s brilliant! It’s really great! Poor Allie though….
November 24th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Aw, poor Allie.
Very nicely done action! And the end is perfectly sad. You are made of steel to have cut this!
November 24th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I can’t imagine cutting this but I absolutely love your writing style and would hate anything so beautiful to be cut.
November 24th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
So much action. I like it. Did you let the friend live in the other version? Just curious ya know.
November 24th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
I agree–why cut!? You have a talent for action scenes…it never slows. And it was great how the action so seamlessly blended with emotion of the scene, too. Good one!
November 24th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Fantastic action scene! I loved the descriptions. You could feel these bodies moving!
November 25th, 2009 at 2:04 am
Action scene! Very fun and very descriptive.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:58 am
OMG, I can’t believe you had to cut this…it woulda made me sick to take this out! But if it’s whats best for the plot…
Great snip, discriptions were rockin’
November 25th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Wow! I can’t believe this was cut! This was amazing, I loved it. Great descriptions!
November 25th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Wow. Lots of action & great writing!! You were really able to visualize what was going on here.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
First off, I love the new blog design. Second, great scene, great action mixed with the horrifying emotion of the ending. The paragraph that starts here – The remaining demon’s brawny arm still circled Allie’s neck – and the short one after I found my eye skimming only because we realize what is about to happen and we want to see if it actually does. You can move it faster there. Otherwise, I thought it was awesome.
November 25th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Thanks *so* much–I think that would help a lot!
I luvz Blond crits! 