Locker scene–Demon Guard

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Sep 15, 2009 Under writing

Okay, here’s another scene from the Demon Guard that I keep tweaking and am just not sure I’m nailing.? I’m wondering–is it a problem that I don’t let the reader know what the MC sees in the locker right away?? Do you feel detached from the action?? Any comments about that and anything else greatly appreciated–thanks!

After breakfast, we exited the cafeteria toward the main hallway.? I checked the papers Scruggs gave me yesterday and saw my locker number was 082.? ? “What’s your number?” I asked Cody, as we approached the first rows.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He juggled his backpack in one hand while fumbling through it with the other.? “Let’s see.? 363.? It’s around the corner—I scoped it out yesterday.”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I squinted at the locker numbers in a huge, deserted alcove to my left.? “Well, looks like mine’s in here somewhere.? Catch you later?” ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? “Later.”? He started to walk off, but paused, smirking over his shoulder.? “Remember—a smile says ‘I’m approachable—I’d like to be your friend.’”? His voice was high and breathy, like some obnoxious Infomercial host peddling self-help DVDs.?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I flipped him the bird.? “Oh yeah?? What does this say?”

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? His laughter carried down the hall as he rounded the corner ahead.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I waved good-bye to his back, then went in search of my locker.? Rows upon rows of gleaming stainless steel were tucked into the cavernous alcove. My eyes followed the numbers until I spotted 82 up on the highest row.? Nice.? At 5’2”, I wasn’t exactly a giant.? And the dim lighting in here wasn’t going to help much.? Peering up at the dial on my tiptoes, I tumbled the lock, following the combination on my paper.? It clicked on the first try.? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I pulled open the door and started grabbing my books out of my bag, but paused just before sliding them in. There, in the far back corner, loomed a shadowy mass. ? I sighed and pushed up even higher on my toes to get a better look.? All I could make out was a grayish blob.? Great.? Probably some moldy old hunk of food—hardly my idea of the perfect locker-warming gift.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Gritting my teeth, I reached all the way back inside, flinching when my hand brushed against something moist and squishy.? Disgustingly squishy.? I cursed the former owner while I used my fingertips to slide the blob toward the locker’s opening. ? An instant later, I was jerking my hand away, choking down the stomach acid scorching my throat.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? No way.? It couldn’t be.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Feeling an irrational need to distance myself, I stumbled back and averted my eyes. My heart pounded wildly in my ears.? Finally, after what felt like hours of deep breathing, I was ready to look again. Cautiously, I lifted my gaze to peer inside.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The brain didn’t look any better the second time around, with its glistening, pinkish-gray bulges and twisting furrows. .? And no way in hell was I touching that thing bare-handed again.

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18 Responses to “Locker scene–Demon Guard”

  1. Jy'lenn Says:

    LOL!!! LOVE this scene!!! The joking between the friends and then her (I’m guessing it’s a ‘her’) finding the brain is perfect. I think it reads great the way it is, with not saying straight out what the glob actually is.

    just my opinion, though. ;)

    can’t wait to read more!!!

  2. sue Says:

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

    That is so funny and ‘out there’.
    I can’t wait to find out why there’s a brain in her locker.

  3. Jennifer (Herb) Says:

    ewwwwwww!!! I think not knowing built the suspense…I was thinking, bloody something or some kind of creature or something supernatural and then it was a brain and I thought, ewww, gross, that’s just nasty. Definitely got a major response out of me!!! I was most definitely NOT detached.

  4. Tracey Says:

    Bwahahaha! Another awesome scene. Can’t wait to read this! I think the not knowing works just fine. The payoff is fast enough.

    One nit – I don’t know if you’ve ever touched a brain before, but in my experience I wouldn’t describe it as “squishy.” They’re a lot firmer than you’d think, and people who have never touched one before tend to be surprised by how not-squishy there are. ;-)

  5. houndrat Says:

    Thanks guys! Tracey–I’ve actually had to touch lots of brains, unforunately, during dissection for physical therapy school. Fun times! I made this one squishy because it hadn’t been preserved and was sitting in a locker for awhile. I’ll have to ponder that…. :)

  6. Vero Says:

    Ewww what is it?? I need to know.

    One quick thing though, is her locker # 82 or 83? ;)

  7. Vero Says:

    oh just read that it was brains! Ewww!!!

  8. Bryn Greenwood Says:

    No, no, the last minute reveal totally works. Brain!!! The only thing that seems weird to me is the first paragraph. It feels so…procedural. We exited the cafeteria. Like two FBI agents leaving lunch or something.

  9. houndrat Says:

    Ha–I read that line about three times and thought it sounded stiff, Bryn–thanks! Will definitely revise!

  10. houndrat Says:

    Hey, excellent catch, Vero–I never would have noticed in a million years. Locker number fixed! :)

  11. ABKN Says:

    I think I want more description of the scene (the hallway, the lockers, the floor?), but other than that, I liked it.

  12. Shveta Says:

    Mmm, brains.

    (Wait, did I say that out loud?)

    In any case, I want to read more, so hurry up! *grin* A few questions: What color are the lockers? Are the hallways filled with chattering students? Does the brain smell?

  13. ABKN Says:

    I ditto what Shveta said

  14. houndrat Says:

    Thanks all. I actually cut some of that out to speed up the scene, but now I see I should probably put it back in. Oh, but I do think I say the lockers are silver, so yay me! :)

  15. houndrat Says:

    Well, actually, I say stainless steel. Does silver work better? i can say silver…I can, I can… :)

  16. Annie--Paranormalchick Says:

    Bawhahahaha Great snip! Very hooking :)

  17. K Taylor Says:

    Ewww! Brains should not be lying around, especially in the back of lockers!
    Great interaction with the friend, very teen.
    I’m 5’2″, and definitely grateful our lockers weren’t so high I couldn’t see in the back, lol. They’ve since removed them from most schools I know because of the cost of maintenance….and in nastier areas, pipe bombs. I remember making sure I didn’t lose that slip with the combination those first couple weeks of school. :)

  18. ABKN Says:

    Silver lockers work. Was there anyone else walking the hall? Can you hear your footsteps echo off the concrete walls? Are the walls concrete? You know, paint the picture for me, and this would totally rock!

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