Teaser Tuesday–possible cut scene from the Demon Guard

Posted by houndrat on Tuesday Jul 28, 2009 Under writing

So, this is a scene I’m not even sure will make it into the Demon Guard when it’s finished.? Have to see how it ends first.? As usual, it’s rough, so I apologize if it reads like utter crap.? All comments welcome!

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The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was the antiseptic sting of rubbing alcohol assaulting my nose. ? Then I saw him. ? I swallowed hard. ? He slumped in the hospital bed, wearing one of those hideous blue and white gowns that tied in the back. His dark eyelashes rested against his pale cheeks, their wan color making the purple bruises stand out that much more.? As he lie there, motionless, I counted four IV drips connected to different veins in his neck and arms. ? I wondered briefly what was in them, before realizing I probably didn’t want to know.? On the far side of the bed, touching the metal rail, a heart rate monitor blipped reassuringly.

Not wanting to wake him, I pivoted and tiptoed toward the door. ? Then winced when a crash from the corridor echoed into his room.? I peeked over my shoulder my heart lurched. ? He was staring right at me.

“Come to commiserate that I’m not dead?” he asked.? His mouth tilted up in a weak facsimile of his old smirk, but I could see pain lurking in the dull turquoise of his eyes.

“Hardly.? Just wanted to make sure you were okay.? Jackass,” I added, to let him know I wasn’t going too soft.

“I know.”? An awkward silence hung in the air while I scuffed my sneaker’s toe on the floor. ? “Well,” I began after a few moments, starting to back out of the room, “I should probably let you get your rest.”

“Yeah.” ? A few moments later, I heard, “Thanks for stopping by.? And sticking up for me.? I won’t forget.”

The softly spoken words froze me mid-turn. I’d just opened my mouth to respond when he totally spoiled the moment by adding, “Don’t go all Lifetime movie on me—I’m still not gonna ask you to prom or anything.”

Ugh. ? Exhaling loudly to voice my annoyance, I stomped my way out the door. ?

“But you can save me a dance,” he called after me.

I knew I should tell him exactly where he could stick his stupid dance. But as I walked down the noisy hallway toward the hospital entrance, I found myself smiling instead.

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11 Responses to “Teaser Tuesday–possible cut scene from the Demon Guard”

  1. Steve Says:

    Love the snappy dialogue, even in this short piece. Your MC is such a pistol, as they said in the olden days. I love this line: “Don’t go all Lifetime movie on me—I’m still not gonna ask you to prom or anything.” LOL

  2. hope101 Says:

    I’ve missed the setup to this scene, but you’ve sure got a great YA voice, lady! Loved the same line as Steve.

  3. Leigh Says:

    I really liked this! I wish I knew what happened to but him in the hospital.

  4. justme Says:

    Love the voice. And the dialogue.

  5. JM Donahue Says:

    Ha, this made me smile. I really like the voice here, and I get a good sense of the setting and the emotions.

    I wondered about this line:

    “Hardly. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Jackass,” I added, to let him know I wasn’t going too soft.

    I feel like you need a pause between “okay” and the “Jackass” bit, it seems like that would help reinforce your point about her tacking it on at the end for the reason she outlines.

    Overall, nice job. I really like the playfulness between these two – lots of chemistry here ;)

  6. Tracey Says:

    Your voice in this story rocks. Love the Lifetime line! And I think JM has a good point about the dialogue. Switching the order around will drive home the point, and it will also help the beat which felt a little off.

  7. Jen Says:

    lol, so loved this! The voice is so fun to read and gives you a good perspective, even in this short snippet.

  8. Jen Says:

    Great teaser! Your voice is great here, and I love the witty exchange between the characters. I think the Lifetime comment is my favorite as well.

  9. firedrake Says:

    yay! I found it!

    I love the wit, missus! Your dialogue is always so sharp and snappy.
    Also love the Lifetime line!

  10. Hannah Says:

    Really liked this! Good job :)

  11. Laurie Says:

    Wow, excellent dialogue. Really loving the character in the hospital bed and I *think* I may have an idea who it is from FNW.

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