Comments on: Teaser Tuesday

By: Sarah

Sarah — Wed, 13 May 2009 12:11:47 +0000

Love it! This is the most fascinating premise, and your execution is really, really good. I would omit terms like ‘kind of like’ and get rid of some of the qualifiers, and we can understand that she’s easily distracted, but I would suggest taking a little less of the narrative with that – you can make it a bit more staccato and still have the same effect.

Am loving this!! Can’t wait to read more!

By: Karen Duvall

Karen Duvall — Wed, 13 May 2009 02:32:18 +0000

Very tense, and the writing is tight. Nicely done!

By: parametric

parametric — Tue, 12 May 2009 21:19:20 +0000

Really enjoyed this. I like the contrast between the nameless, faceless party people and the MC’s urgent need to find and save this one girl. It feels like the MC is isolated from the party world around her even as she moves through it.

By: Gretchen

Gretchen — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:59:57 +0000

Gah! Don’t stop!

My comment coincides with Amy’s – I want to really know that this feeling, this feeling of terror, is a new one for her to be sensing. Dropping the beer is the physical reaction, but since we’re doing first person and getting all her internal monologue, we need the moment when she tells us “This is new. This is scary. I need to fix this.” Or whatever.

By: houndrat

houndrat — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:53:44 +0000

Thanks. I *think* that by this spot in the story, the reader is well acquainted with how random and easily distracted the heroine is, so hopefully the Febreeze thing won’t seem out of place in context. Something to definitely ask my betas about, though–thanks!

By: Bryn Greenwood

Bryn Greenwood — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:05:21 +0000

She does seem awfully calm, for example wondering about Febreze while she’s following this deluge of emotion. I love the moment she drops her beer, the way it’s metonymically part of this “other” experience. She mentions that the girl is “calling” to her, so I wondered…what is the girl saying?

By: Branwyn

Branwyn — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:26:15 +0000

Nicely done. Felt the urgency. Tease!

By: houndrat

houndrat — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:02:33 +0000

Thanks, guys. Sunna, she’s definitely accustomed to feeling other people’s emotions, and this isn’t the first instance that she’s felt this strange need to help others. But I’m going to go over it again and see if I don’t need to make a few changes–thanks for the input.

By: firedrake

firedrake — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:53:10 +0000

Um…so you’re going to leave us hanging?!?!?!?!?!?
Definitely a ‘teaser’!
I’m definitely intrigued to learn more. Well done on the transition from party time to something sinister.

By: sunna

sunna — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:46:34 +0000

Oh, lovely urgency! Well done. I’m curious: how new is this experience to your MC? She seems to be taking it in stride.