Oh Christmas Tree

Posted by houndrat on Monday Dec 8, 2008 Under Christmas trees, family life, husbands, Uncategorized

Never, ever tell a man that something? just isn’t big enough.? Never.? Because any comments on size or lack thereof? are merely going to send? him into a “bigger is better” frenzy.? I mean, let’s face it–there’s a reason our inboxes are flooded on an hourly basis with emails entitled “enlarge your penis to 100x it’s actual size!”? ? Um, ouch.

But I’m not talking just private parts, people.? I’m talking ANYTHING.? Take, for example, a simple Christmas tree, and an innocuous comment about how last year’s six foot tree wasn’t quite tall enough for our vaulted ceilings.? In the same conversation, I’m pretty sure the words “eight feet would be nice” were mentioned.? But I could be wrong.? Because hubby did not come back with an eight footer. Or even a niner.

No, he proudly proclaimed, “I got the BIGGEST ONE on the lot–what do you think?” with a goofy smile on his face.?

What I think is that the twelve foot green monstrosity dwarfs our entire living room.? And sheds like an SOB.? We’re going to have to fork over some serious cash to buy about a? billion more lights to deck it out, and that goes double for? ornaments.? Also, the tree skirt is not remotely large enough to go all the way around that sucker, and I’m afraid if? it? tips like last year’s tree in the Fergie incident,? the resulting quake will be read on the Richter scale up in San Francisco.

On the plus side, it does smell super piney–always a good thing when you’re trying to mask the not so fresh “my dog peed on the carpet while I was in Chicago for Thanksgiving” odor.? Especially? when you just? hosted Bunco at your house.? And regrettably, the theme? was “holiday pajama party”, not “boarding kennel brouhaha”, so eau de doggy bladder would most likely not have been a big hit.

But the biggest problem? I’m having with the giant? Christmas tree?? Well, I can’t think of anything that rhymes with “ginormous”.? See, I tend to make up little ditties all the time in my head, and this one, if you’ll pardon the pun, is stumping me.?

So pretty please–if you can come up with a second line for “Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, why are you so gi-normous?”—my brain would be eternally grateful.

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3 Responses to “Oh Christmas Tree”

  1. Jess Says:

    This is hilarious. My dad did this one year, and as he was standing on the deck outside our living room lecturing my mom and me on the proper way to secure a Christmas tree in its stand, the tree (behind him and allegedly properly secured) slowly began to tip over before crashing to the ground with a huge bang. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Shortly thereafter, my mother found a cartoon of a huge Christmas tree on a tiny car that has been totally flattened by the weight of the tree, with the caption, “I think we need a smaller tree.” This was years ago, but that comic is still on my parents’ fridge.

  2. Tara Evers Says:

    Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
    Why are you so gi-normous?
    Poor Santa Claus, Will shame us,
    Our tree’s to big for gifts to fit.
    He will fly by
    and skip our house.
    Our tree’s a monster
    For our house.
    Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree,
    You are the tree most heinous.

    – Tara

  3. Identity Mixed Says:

    There are few times when I am thankful my ceilings are “only” 8 foot. But Christmas is one of those times. Bigger is not better.

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