Do’s and Don’ts of? listing your hubby’s? favorite golf driver? on ebay without telling him:

1)? Do not? mistakenly use his ebay account instead of your own to list club as strangely, ebay updates are sent to account holder’s email address.? Unless husband is too dense to decipher emails? saying such things as, “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

2) Do notify hubby about? horrifying new virus? causing instant? computer implosion? contained in emails titled “Notice–your wife’s listing of your favorite Callaway Golf Driver, which is supposed to be a secret but we really wanted to tell you anyway because we think only? a truly horrible person would do such a thing,? has a new bid!”?

3)? Do not make up silly account name like “AllGolfersSuckTheBigOne” as bidders will be frightened.

4) Do make up silly account name like “AllGolfersUsingThisClubCanExpectPenisToGrowThreeInchesInTwoDays” as most men will be too frightenend not to bid.

5)? Do not post ebay info on blog if hubby’s co-workers read it.? This is virtual guarantee that hubby will be recipient of mocking in workplace and subsequently, will find out about missing club.?

6)? Do send link to all your friends in hopes their hubbies will take outlandish golfing beast off your hands.?

7) Do not fail to book yourself and children a hotel room for the night hubby finds out.?

8)? Do book five-star resort and plan to pay with proceeds of golf club sale.

9)? Do not fail to hide all prized possessions, including hound dogs and favored Coach purse, so hubby can’t retaliate with similar ebay listing.?

10)? Do conspicuously leave decrepit demented Rottwiler and hubby’s 80′s style Movado watch out in plain sight.

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Has your husband ever made you SO angry and scream SO loudly that your vocal cords burst? from? your throat and smacked him straight upside the head?? No?? Okay so maybe that didn’t happen here either.? ? But you know it’s bad when I’m seriously digging the visual.

Usually after going postal in my brain for a few hours, I just get over? such things? and move on.? But not this time.? This time,? hubby crossed the line.? So I did what any sane wife would do.?

Which is to say, I LISTED HIS BRAND NEW? GOLF? CLUB? ON EBAY.? WITHOUT TELLING HIM FIRST.

OH YES I DID.

Here are the specifics.? You see, hubby is a complete gadget and sporting goods whore.? And he kills me with the amount of stuff he buys.? Stuff he purports to “need”.? For instance, he actually bought a motorcycle about three years ago from somebody he knows in Chicago without telling me first.? Because he needed it.? Of course, since hubby made no arrangements for transportation, the freakin’ thing is still rusting away in Chicago, probably getting eaten by rats in somebody else’s garage.? But I’m glad we have one, you know.? Just in case.? And the ice axe.? For which I’m sure there are an infinite number of uses.? Providing you live in Alaska and not SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA which, last time I checked, is where we currently reside.

The main point here is hubby AGREED to a buying ban.? And this time I actually BELIEVED him.? So imagine my surprise when I go to fill the trunk of his car with groceries and instead, find this skulking there:

Yeah, I didn’t really know what “this” was either, until I took the cover off:

Why hello there, absolutely ginormous golf club that looks to cost as much as Heidi Klum’s wardrobe on Project Runway.? And note the most crucial detail—it’s BRAND–SPANKIN–NEW!

? I know,? selling someone’s stuff without permission? sounds bad.? Terrible even.? But seriously folks, we’re supposed to be at least pretending to save money.? You know, for the trivial stuff.? Like the new baby.? Our kids’ college funds.? ? The monstrously large mortgage.? Oh yeah, and sometimes we even like to eat.? I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking a surreptitious $500+ golf club purchase pretty much blows? hubby’s spending ban straight to hell.? And hello, he already has a driver.? A Big Bertha in fact, so it’s not like it’s some Toys R Us special.? But for the man with fifty tents and almost as many (non-working) cars, the word “enough” is meaningless.

And I tried to like it.? Really I did.? In fact, I seriously considered ebaying my husband and keeping the club.? For one thing, it didn’t hog the covers.? Or steal my pillow.

? ? And we never fought over what to watch on TV.

? My? kids kind of liked it.

? Heck, even the hounds seemed to accept it as just one of the girls.? Plus,? having a club instead of a husband? freed up crucial couch space.

? Of course Peanut didn’t think much of it.? Then again, he tries to eat his own reflection.

In the end, though,? I decided there’s something to be said for a little intelligent conversation.? ? Plus, the club’s idea of a good time was driving by a golf course, honking the horn and screaming “SLICE!” just as some poor schmuck was getting ready to tee off.? ? Although on second thought,? the club most certainly learned that trick from hubby.

Besides, I’m pretty sure the club is worth more on the open market.

? At any rate, if you want to read more, go to? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120290738165&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fsearch%2Fsearch.dll%3Ffrom%3DR40%26_trksid%3Dm37%26satitle%3D120290738165%26category0%3D%26fvi%3D1

Or if that doesn’t work (notice my killer skills with tiny url)? try http://www.ebay.com and plug in item # 120290738165

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