I used to love dogs.? Love them.? LOVE them.? I read every doggy book on the market when I was a kid.? I used to pretend to be a dog when I was in grade school.? Later, I decided to become a veterinarian, but decided against it because I didn’t think I could deal with euthanizing them.? Instead, I became involved in rescue efforts and volunteering at animal shelters.? Of course, along the way, I acquired a few dogs of my own.? I loved them .? LOVED THEM.
Nowadays, I’m thinking Cruella de Vil might have had the right idea.? I’m wishing there was a way to? PAY someone to come take our dogs.? Because nobody in their right mind would come and just take them for free.?
Okay, technically, that’s not true. I’m referring to one dog in particular.? That would be Peanut.? Aka The Pig.? Our 12-yr old defective rottweiler.
Peanut is? the perfect name for our midget rottweiler.? My husband jinxed him.? When he was a puppy, my husband thought it would be hilarious to have a gi-normous rottweiler? and name him? “Peanut”.? Of course, Peanut never grew to be gi-normous.? Or even relatively gi-normous.? In fact, I think Peanut is barely larger than the rabbits he likes to chase, but never can catch.? Because not only is he small, he’s also slow as molasses.?
The only problem with the name “Peanut” is it brings to mind something cute an cuddly.? A sweet little dog that everbody loves.? A cute little puppy who loves to give kisses and snuggle.? Yeah, right.? That description is about as accurate as calling Attila the Hun a tad cranky.
As my aunt likes to say, Peanut is “quirky”.? What she really means is that he is seriously whacked in the head.? Why, you ask?? Well, let’s see.? If you try to offer the dog something to eat and he doesn’t like it, instead of spitting it out like a normal pet, he rolls in it.? Thus far, we have had to wash scrambled eggs, tuna, shrimp, orange rinds,? and vinegar out of his fur.? (No, we didn’t offer him vinegar, but he did roll in–long story).? He also vomits all the time, eats more than our two much younger and larger dogs combined, and sometimes forgets to poop outside, usually when we are planning to have company over within? the next? few minutes.? He is afraid of the most random of things, including feet, dust mops, street signs, loud noises, plastic bags, mail boxes, and my other dogs’ tails.? ?
But probably, his most endearing “quirk” is that he growls.? All the time. At everything and everyone.? Okay, so I can understand that he might growl if you step on his foot (he does), or even if he is poorly trained (he is) and growls when you approach his food bowl (he does).? But he also growls if you start petting him.? Oh, and by the way, he growls if you stop petting him, too, so basically, you’re screwed.? He growls at the mailman.? He growls at cars. ? He growls at the water bowl.? He growls when there is not another living soul in the room with him.? Seriously.? In fact, he is growling right now.? It’s like the switch is stuck on “on”, and there’s no way to turn it off.? Ever.
? In the middle of the night, he gets cold, and walks around the bed pawing at it and whining until my sucker of a husband lets him up.? What does he do next?? You got it—he growls.
In the morning, I give him a (large) bowl of food.? As soon as I put it down, what does he do?? Yep–he shows me the old chompers.
Fetch with him is a pretty short game–I throw the toy once, he grabs it, but when I try to take it to throw it again—GRRRRRRRR!
We take him camping, knowing he will fend off the wild animals with his mighty roar.? The coyotes start howling, and what does he do?? Growl, you say?? Nope—not even close.? ? The damn chicken jumps in my lap, shivering.? Unbelievable.?
In spite of all that, I suppose I? was kidding when I said I would turn him into a coat.? Maybe I love the dog, defects and all.? ? I’m thinking that makes me the defective one.
Besides, we’d only get enough fur to clothe a Barbie doll anyway.?Share on Facebook